Hi, some of you know me, some don't. Those that don't may still check out BYE! even though it hasn't been updated in, well, in awhile to say the least, and to you I give this update. I apologise in advance that it isn't a satirical article but merely a little current status report of my life. My name is Steve, and soon I will be getting married :D
His name is Patrick Ingham and I love him with all my heart. Even if nobody reads this anymore I DON'T CARE!!! I'm so happy I'm telling the world every place I can even if there's nobody to listen. To anyone that reads this disappointed that there hasn't been articles in so long, I'll just say this. If you had a choice between writing for a blog and spending your time in bed with my Pat you wouldn't be typing much either ;) hehe. Speaking of that I think I'll go there with him now. Toodles ;D
Monday 7 March 2011
Saturday 12 September 2009
X factor ratings plummet
Shocking news this week, as ITV (aka ‘shITeV’) announced that its Saturday night flagship program, X-factor, was significantly losing the ratings battle. Reasons are thought to be due to Channel 5's new show, ‘Paint’, clashing with it.
Stephen Twatbags, a shITeV executive said "While we regret X factor is losing popularity, we will continue to cater fully to the core fanbase: middle aged housewives, gays and stupids." He then went also went on to announce another show virtually identical to Paint, apart from the name and Ant and Dec.
ShITeV are also denying reports the Simon Cowell has killed himself. "Just rumours" - so it's best not to get your hopes up at this point.
Of no relation to Microsoft's Neanderthal art program, Paint is a show all about paint - specifically the rate that it dries. Something about it clearly appeals to the British public.
In other news...
Backstage scandal as Graham Norton is caught naked playing with his balls.
Liam Gallagher does his famous ‘tosser impression’. Little effort required.
Stephen Twatbags, a shITeV executive said "While we regret X factor is losing popularity, we will continue to cater fully to the core fanbase: middle aged housewives, gays and stupids." He then went also went on to announce another show virtually identical to Paint, apart from the name and Ant and Dec.
ShITeV are also denying reports the Simon Cowell has killed himself. "Just rumours" - so it's best not to get your hopes up at this point.
Of no relation to Microsoft's Neanderthal art program, Paint is a show all about paint - specifically the rate that it dries. Something about it clearly appeals to the British public.
In other news...
Backstage scandal as Graham Norton is caught naked playing with his balls.
Liam Gallagher does his famous ‘tosser impression’. Little effort required.
Tuesday 1 September 2009
Beaullox Horoscopes - September.
Ah, welcome children, my name is Madame Beaullox. I have had many years of experience as a psychic and astrologer. I have been asked to write a monthly horoscope, exclusively for BYE!. If I write the horoscopes on time for the deadline, they let me out of my cage for the afternoon. Sweet sweet sunlight!
Aries: March 20 - April 20 – This is a good month to start learning how to fly. Take that first jump out of your nest and let the wind carry you. Note: May only apply to birds.
Taurus: April 21 - May 21 - Blahbluh bluhblahblah blah. BLAH. Blah blah blah blah blahblah blah blah blah bluhbluhblah! Bluheblah? BUBUBUBUBUBUUU BUBUBUBUBUBUB. Blubbity. Blahbluhablah.
Gemini: May 22 - June 21 - this month you will decide to send the link of a certain dying satirical gossip blog to all your friends, to save it, because you're awesome!
Cancer: June 22 - July 22 – Try reading the bible. Rethink your faith. You can become a better Christian. For starters, stop reading horoscopes, you heathen. JESUS, at least maintains some consistency.
Leo: July 23 - August 23 – Nothing will happen this month
Virgo: August 24 - September 23 – Try to be braver. Don't let the spirits scare you, stand up to them. Remember, they don't exist. They're just people in costumes trying to scare people away for their own gain. And remember to feed your dog.
Libra: September 24 - October 23 – if you like sausages, this is a good month to eat them. However, if you don't like sausages, don't bother.
Scorpio: October 24 - November 22 – You piece of shit, you don't deserve to be reading these horoscopes. You disgust me, I've seen more respectable fingernails than you. Hopefully soon you'll realise that nobody likes you and that they only talk to you because they're scared you'll kill them. You won't even do that, will you? Worthless cunt. Go on then, prove me wrong. Kill them. Go on. You can't, can you? Wuss.
Sagittarius: November 23 - December 21 – You're gay. Don't try to hide it.
Capricorn: December 22 - January 19 – This month you will disappoint many people after you explain you don't live at the end of the rainbow and hand out pots of gold, and that they must have misread.
Aquarius: January 20 - February 18 – Your friend will turn out to be gay.
Pisces: February 19 - March 19 – Live someone else.
Aries: March 20 - April 20 – This is a good month to start learning how to fly. Take that first jump out of your nest and let the wind carry you. Note: May only apply to birds.
Taurus: April 21 - May 21 - Blahbluh bluhblahblah blah. BLAH. Blah blah blah blah blahblah blah blah blah bluhbluhblah! Bluheblah? BUBUBUBUBUBUUU BUBUBUBUBUBUB. Blubbity. Blahbluhablah.
Gemini: May 22 - June 21 - this month you will decide to send the link of a certain dying satirical gossip blog to all your friends, to save it, because you're awesome!
Cancer: June 22 - July 22 – Try reading the bible. Rethink your faith. You can become a better Christian. For starters, stop reading horoscopes, you heathen. JESUS, at least maintains some consistency.
Leo: July 23 - August 23 – Nothing will happen this month
Virgo: August 24 - September 23 – Try to be braver. Don't let the spirits scare you, stand up to them. Remember, they don't exist. They're just people in costumes trying to scare people away for their own gain. And remember to feed your dog.
Libra: September 24 - October 23 – if you like sausages, this is a good month to eat them. However, if you don't like sausages, don't bother.
Scorpio: October 24 - November 22 – You piece of shit, you don't deserve to be reading these horoscopes. You disgust me, I've seen more respectable fingernails than you. Hopefully soon you'll realise that nobody likes you and that they only talk to you because they're scared you'll kill them. You won't even do that, will you? Worthless cunt. Go on then, prove me wrong. Kill them. Go on. You can't, can you? Wuss.
Sagittarius: November 23 - December 21 – You're gay. Don't try to hide it.
Capricorn: December 22 - January 19 – This month you will disappoint many people after you explain you don't live at the end of the rainbow and hand out pots of gold, and that they must have misread.
Aquarius: January 20 - February 18 – Your friend will turn out to be gay.
Pisces: February 19 - March 19 – Live someone else.
Wednesday 26 August 2009
Top 5 Tips To Look Good
Hello there boys and girls, it's me again Aunty Fat Fight, that's right the person you're Mum warned you about.
Today, I'm going to give you my top 5 tips on looking good so let's start with number 5 shall we?
5. Get plastic surgery.
4. Lose weight fatty.
3. Become bulimic, vomiting tastes good honestly!
2. Wear slut like clothes, preferably ones that show off your little A cup tits!
1. Be less ugly and stop sleeping will all the boys down your road trying to get pregnant, we all know you're ovaries don't work so stop trying bitch! Also that Jake Harrison is mine bitch!
That's all for my top tips on looking good, I'll be back with my top 5 hints to avoid Homosexuals!
Today, I'm going to give you my top 5 tips on looking good so let's start with number 5 shall we?
5. Get plastic surgery.
4. Lose weight fatty.
3. Become bulimic, vomiting tastes good honestly!
2. Wear slut like clothes, preferably ones that show off your little A cup tits!
1. Be less ugly and stop sleeping will all the boys down your road trying to get pregnant, we all know you're ovaries don't work so stop trying bitch! Also that Jake Harrison is mine bitch!
That's all for my top tips on looking good, I'll be back with my top 5 hints to avoid Homosexuals!
Wednesday 19 August 2009
Twit's Tit/Twat Tweet Tiff
X Factor will soon to return to our screens and already there appears to be a feud brewing between the 
female judges Cheryl Cole and Danni Minogue. The row reached the public from a twitter post by Cheryl, who had this to say: "back on screen soon wit dat fake boobed, open legd Aussie fool. Hurray!". While nobody was named it seems pretty clear the post targets Danni, who as of yet has not responded.
When asked about the post a shocked Cheryl tried to downplay the tweet. "Woh lad. Ho'way!? Someone's obviously been hackin' intay me account. I divint do it like! Do I even have a twitta page, lass? It's a fake, alreet? Danni's a pet. I'd ne'er banter aboot her like that like, even though it's true. I mean... ah shite..."
The tweet is bound to cause friction between the pair in the new series, which is said to involve contestants with such sob stories as a man who has five testicles that are constantly banging together รก la newton's cradle causing great pain but a sweet falsetto sound and a granny who had her eyes glued closed during the war.
In Other News
Peter Andre reacts to being told he can fight Alex Reid for Jordan.
Lily Allen gets up close an personal with fans at an intimate gig.
female judges Cheryl Cole and Danni Minogue. The row reached the public from a twitter post by Cheryl, who had this to say: "back on screen soon wit dat fake boobed, open legd Aussie fool. Hurray!". While nobody was named it seems pretty clear the post targets Danni, who as of yet has not responded.When asked about the post a shocked Cheryl tried to downplay the tweet. "Woh lad. Ho'way!? Someone's obviously been hackin' intay me account. I divint do it like! Do I even have a twitta page, lass? It's a fake, alreet? Danni's a pet. I'd ne'er banter aboot her like that like, even though it's true. I mean... ah shite..."
The tweet is bound to cause friction between the pair in the new series, which is said to involve contestants with such sob stories as a man who has five testicles that are constantly banging together รก la newton's cradle causing great pain but a sweet falsetto sound and a granny who had her eyes glued closed during the war.
In Other News
Peter Andre reacts to being told he can fight Alex Reid for Jordan.
Lily Allen gets up close an personal with fans at an intimate gig.
Tuesday 18 August 2009
Katona SACKED!!!!
You heard it here first ladies and gentlemen that the face of Fat Stupid Women Unite Kerry Katona has been sacked.
The reason for the sacking is rumoured to be that she ate a small child whilst filming a new commercial.
Her publicist Richard Cummings released this statement: "Far be it for me to accuse Miss Katona of being a fat stupid bitch, but let's be honest here, that is what she is!".
Kerry was also the face of some low rent "Supermarket" here in the UK, she's been sacked from that too.
Kerry is yet to make a speech, one assumes she is stuffing her big fat face full of shit!
Mum's who shop at the supermarket are disgusted with the news and are boycotting the supermarket until they replace Kerry with someone who is equally as fat and as stupid!
We here at BYE! have learnt that the next face of the Supermarket and Fat Women Unite will be welsh whale Charlotte Church! Mum's, I do hope this is good enough.
If you want your say on this story, write on a piece of paper and post to our address. To do this, simply take the piece of paper and put it into any waste bin that you see on your travels, and we promise it will reach us.
In other news....
As the X Factor returns, Simon Cowell can no longer stand Dannii Minogue's awful voice.
and
Miley Cyrus is seen outside after being arrested for stalking one of the Jonas Brothers.Friday 14 August 2009
"NO!" Says America
American's such as Tom Cruise and an employee of Dairy Queen have been joining protests to stop the Government giving away free Toothpaste.
Actor and Director Mel Gibson gave us his verdict on the new Government policy: "As a far right kind of guy that I am I do not need to be given free toothpaste. In fact I don't use toothpaste, my hatred of blacks and Jews keeps my teeth sparkling white".
The President has been urging people that free toothpaste is a great idea as it will keep American's teeth white and healthy, it will also help poorer families afford basic dental care.
Rich right wing republicans have been opposing the idea saying that the money could be used to fund the army to kill innocent people in foreign countries.
Dentist and pro fee toothpaste campaigner Jeffrey Clarke wanted his say on this matter: "American's who oppose such an idea are not stupid but they are ignorant. I can see why republicans oppose the idea, they have shit teeth".
More on this news as it breaks
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