Hello there boys and girls, it's me again Aunty Fat Fight, that's right the person you're Mum warned you about.
Today, I'm going to give you my top 5 tips on looking good so let's start with number 5 shall we?
5. Get plastic surgery.
4. Lose weight fatty.
3. Become bulimic, vomiting tastes good honestly!
2. Wear slut like clothes, preferably ones that show off your little A cup tits!
1. Be less ugly and stop sleeping will all the boys down your road trying to get pregnant, we all know you're ovaries don't work so stop trying bitch! Also that Jake Harrison is mine bitch!
That's all for my top tips on looking good, I'll be back with my top 5 hints to avoid Homosexuals!
Wednesday, 26 August 2009
Wednesday, 19 August 2009
Twit's Tit/Twat Tweet Tiff
X Factor will soon to return to our screens and already there appears to be a feud brewing between the 
female judges Cheryl Cole and Danni Minogue. The row reached the public from a twitter post by Cheryl, who had this to say: "back on screen soon wit dat fake boobed, open legd Aussie fool. Hurray!". While nobody was named it seems pretty clear the post targets Danni, who as of yet has not responded.
When asked about the post a shocked Cheryl tried to downplay the tweet. "Woh lad. Ho'way!? Someone's obviously been hackin' intay me account. I divint do it like! Do I even have a twitta page, lass? It's a fake, alreet? Danni's a pet. I'd ne'er banter aboot her like that like, even though it's true. I mean... ah shite..."
The tweet is bound to cause friction between the pair in the new series, which is said to involve contestants with such sob stories as a man who has five testicles that are constantly banging together รก la newton's cradle causing great pain but a sweet falsetto sound and a granny who had her eyes glued closed during the war.
In Other News
Peter Andre reacts to being told he can fight Alex Reid for Jordan.
Lily Allen gets up close an personal with fans at an intimate gig.
female judges Cheryl Cole and Danni Minogue. The row reached the public from a twitter post by Cheryl, who had this to say: "back on screen soon wit dat fake boobed, open legd Aussie fool. Hurray!". While nobody was named it seems pretty clear the post targets Danni, who as of yet has not responded.When asked about the post a shocked Cheryl tried to downplay the tweet. "Woh lad. Ho'way!? Someone's obviously been hackin' intay me account. I divint do it like! Do I even have a twitta page, lass? It's a fake, alreet? Danni's a pet. I'd ne'er banter aboot her like that like, even though it's true. I mean... ah shite..."
The tweet is bound to cause friction between the pair in the new series, which is said to involve contestants with such sob stories as a man who has five testicles that are constantly banging together รก la newton's cradle causing great pain but a sweet falsetto sound and a granny who had her eyes glued closed during the war.
In Other News
Peter Andre reacts to being told he can fight Alex Reid for Jordan.
Lily Allen gets up close an personal with fans at an intimate gig.
Tuesday, 18 August 2009
Katona SACKED!!!!
You heard it here first ladies and gentlemen that the face of Fat Stupid Women Unite Kerry Katona has been sacked.
The reason for the sacking is rumoured to be that she ate a small child whilst filming a new commercial.
Her publicist Richard Cummings released this statement: "Far be it for me to accuse Miss Katona of being a fat stupid bitch, but let's be honest here, that is what she is!".
Kerry was also the face of some low rent "Supermarket" here in the UK, she's been sacked from that too.
Kerry is yet to make a speech, one assumes she is stuffing her big fat face full of shit!
Mum's who shop at the supermarket are disgusted with the news and are boycotting the supermarket until they replace Kerry with someone who is equally as fat and as stupid!
We here at BYE! have learnt that the next face of the Supermarket and Fat Women Unite will be welsh whale Charlotte Church! Mum's, I do hope this is good enough.
If you want your say on this story, write on a piece of paper and post to our address. To do this, simply take the piece of paper and put it into any waste bin that you see on your travels, and we promise it will reach us.
In other news....
As the X Factor returns, Simon Cowell can no longer stand Dannii Minogue's awful voice.
and
Miley Cyrus is seen outside after being arrested for stalking one of the Jonas Brothers.Friday, 14 August 2009
"NO!" Says America
American's such as Tom Cruise and an employee of Dairy Queen have been joining protests to stop the Government giving away free Toothpaste.
Actor and Director Mel Gibson gave us his verdict on the new Government policy: "As a far right kind of guy that I am I do not need to be given free toothpaste. In fact I don't use toothpaste, my hatred of blacks and Jews keeps my teeth sparkling white".
The President has been urging people that free toothpaste is a great idea as it will keep American's teeth white and healthy, it will also help poorer families afford basic dental care.
Rich right wing republicans have been opposing the idea saying that the money could be used to fund the army to kill innocent people in foreign countries.
Dentist and pro fee toothpaste campaigner Jeffrey Clarke wanted his say on this matter: "American's who oppose such an idea are not stupid but they are ignorant. I can see why republicans oppose the idea, they have shit teeth".
More on this news as it breaks
Saturday, 8 August 2009
Aunty Fat Fight's Top 10 Tips To Stay Slim this Summer
Hello there fatties I mean readers, looking for some great ways to stay thin this summer?
Is your bikini getting eaten by your arse? Are the people at work laughing at you? Good because you probably deserve it you fat shit, but despair not Aunty Fat Fight is here to help you lose those stones that you've put on over the years.
Here's my top ten count down.
10. Oh look it's a McDonalds, you want some don't you? That's 10 lashings for being tempted you fat bitch.
9. Use the Gym, it's there. Unless of course you are so fat that you can't stand under your own weight, in which case I highly suggest you kill yourself.
8. Look what I have here, a doggy treat. You want one don't you? You sicken me!
7. Liposuction could be a good idea for you, if you can't be fucked to exercise yourself because you're a lazy shit.
6. Chase after that ice cream van that drives through your road, that will help shed a few pounds.
5. We're half way there.
4. Ask the local kids to roll you down a hill.
3. This doughnut is delicious, oh sorry. Ahem, try swimming but beware the pool may be evacuated because you will be confused for a whale.
2. Do some push ups if that fails just try getting out of bed.
1. If none of these tips help, kill yourself, seriously there's no other hope for you.
I hope you have found my top ten tips helpful, I'll be back soon with some more great health tips just for you BYE! readers.
Is your bikini getting eaten by your arse? Are the people at work laughing at you? Good because you probably deserve it you fat shit, but despair not Aunty Fat Fight is here to help you lose those stones that you've put on over the years.
Here's my top ten count down.
10. Oh look it's a McDonalds, you want some don't you? That's 10 lashings for being tempted you fat bitch.
9. Use the Gym, it's there. Unless of course you are so fat that you can't stand under your own weight, in which case I highly suggest you kill yourself.
8. Look what I have here, a doggy treat. You want one don't you? You sicken me!
7. Liposuction could be a good idea for you, if you can't be fucked to exercise yourself because you're a lazy shit.
6. Chase after that ice cream van that drives through your road, that will help shed a few pounds.
5. We're half way there.
4. Ask the local kids to roll you down a hill.
3. This doughnut is delicious, oh sorry. Ahem, try swimming but beware the pool may be evacuated because you will be confused for a whale.
2. Do some push ups if that fails just try getting out of bed.
1. If none of these tips help, kill yourself, seriously there's no other hope for you.
I hope you have found my top ten tips helpful, I'll be back soon with some more great health tips just for you BYE! readers.
Friday, 7 August 2009
BYE! Economy (New Feature)
As we all know, the economy has hit the pan and no one is helping it get better.
In fact the economy is so ill, it has been suspected that it may have Swine Flu.
This new feature (which will be monthly) will focus on the economy and it's slow slow slow recovery back to good health, after it's had some soup and a lie down.
(This is what the economy may look like)
At this present moment in time we know that the Dollar is weak against the Pound so the Pound is taking advantage of this situation and is beating it up (coward).
The Euro € has been hiding behind a cupboard somewhere and refuses to come out until it is offered some milk and cookies, however if it keeps being naughty it will go to bed early with no supper!
Gerald Greene head investment specialist for a major bank had this to say: "To be fair, two of the banks are fucked let's be honest. If people think we're going to be okay, they're mad really mad. They're as mad as the wankers running the country."
But is it all doom and gloom? Yes, yes it is unless you're Barclays or HSBC. Two of the only banks not to have been caught stealing money from some old blind pensioner.
Leading Economist Susan Mckain (yes she's a woman) gave us this: "I'm optimistic, optimistic like a baby who has lost it's favourite toy. If I can't find it Mummy will buy me a new one, this annalogy can be used to describe the economy. Basically if we lose it, someone's Mummy will replace it with a new one."
The Footsie 100 closed 25% down from the same time 2 hours ago closing at 6666 points, coincidence or just a random number?
Since the economy collapsed under it's own big fat swine flu obese self, quite a few people have lost their jobs and the UK is starting to suffer.
"If the economy does in fact have swine flu, what's to stop it spreading to the stock exchanges? You could see a mass epidemic of Stock exchanges going off sick from work for a maximum of 7 days. I'm not sure that we can cope that long" explained Dr. Timothy Neil head flu expert at some hospital somewhere.
People claiming benefits has risen since the start of the year and that is expected to rise thanks to employers spending their money on strippers and helicopters instead of investing it.
What is the next big step for the economy? More lending, more investing or even printing more money? No, it's a strict diet and weekly sessions at the gym once it has gotten over Swine flu but for now it will have a nice warm blanket and some chicken soup to keep it's strength up.
Chadwell Tightbottom had the pleasure of interviewing the economy's father; Alister Darling and he wanted to know a few things.
Chadwell Tightbottom: Has the economy got Swine Flu?
Alister Darling: It has, it's very tragic.
CT: Will it pull through okay?
AD: I do hope so
CT: What are you doing to make sure it is going to live?
AD: "Warm blanket, hot soup you know the usual"
CT:: Alister tell us, are you a really a badger?
AD: No comment
CT: You ever touch Gordon?
AD: Only in my head.
CT: Alister what are you doing to keep the country stable until the economy recovers?
AD: Well Chadwell I'm going to ensure that everyone does their part and that everyone prays we pull through this.
CT: Thank you Mr. Darling you've been a erm, you've been great.
AD: Thanks, pleasure to be here. Where's the exit again?
More on the economy and it's ill health next month.
In fact the economy is so ill, it has been suspected that it may have Swine Flu.
This new feature (which will be monthly) will focus on the economy and it's slow slow slow recovery back to good health, after it's had some soup and a lie down.
(This is what the economy may look like)At this present moment in time we know that the Dollar is weak against the Pound so the Pound is taking advantage of this situation and is beating it up (coward).
The Euro € has been hiding behind a cupboard somewhere and refuses to come out until it is offered some milk and cookies, however if it keeps being naughty it will go to bed early with no supper!
Gerald Greene head investment specialist for a major bank had this to say: "To be fair, two of the banks are fucked let's be honest. If people think we're going to be okay, they're mad really mad. They're as mad as the wankers running the country."
But is it all doom and gloom? Yes, yes it is unless you're Barclays or HSBC. Two of the only banks not to have been caught stealing money from some old blind pensioner.
Leading Economist Susan Mckain (yes she's a woman) gave us this: "I'm optimistic, optimistic like a baby who has lost it's favourite toy. If I can't find it Mummy will buy me a new one, this annalogy can be used to describe the economy. Basically if we lose it, someone's Mummy will replace it with a new one."
The Footsie 100 closed 25% down from the same time 2 hours ago closing at 6666 points, coincidence or just a random number?
Since the economy collapsed under it's own big fat swine flu obese self, quite a few people have lost their jobs and the UK is starting to suffer.
"If the economy does in fact have swine flu, what's to stop it spreading to the stock exchanges? You could see a mass epidemic of Stock exchanges going off sick from work for a maximum of 7 days. I'm not sure that we can cope that long" explained Dr. Timothy Neil head flu expert at some hospital somewhere.
People claiming benefits has risen since the start of the year and that is expected to rise thanks to employers spending their money on strippers and helicopters instead of investing it.
What is the next big step for the economy? More lending, more investing or even printing more money? No, it's a strict diet and weekly sessions at the gym once it has gotten over Swine flu but for now it will have a nice warm blanket and some chicken soup to keep it's strength up.
Chadwell Tightbottom had the pleasure of interviewing the economy's father; Alister Darling and he wanted to know a few things.
Chadwell Tightbottom: Has the economy got Swine Flu?
Alister Darling: It has, it's very tragic.
CT: Will it pull through okay?
AD: I do hope so
CT: What are you doing to make sure it is going to live?
AD: "Warm blanket, hot soup you know the usual"
CT:: Alister tell us, are you a really a badger?
AD: No comment
CT: You ever touch Gordon?
AD: Only in my head.
CT: Alister what are you doing to keep the country stable until the economy recovers?
AD: Well Chadwell I'm going to ensure that everyone does their part and that everyone prays we pull through this.
CT: Thank you Mr. Darling you've been a erm, you've been great.
AD: Thanks, pleasure to be here. Where's the exit again?
More on the economy and it's ill health next month.
Racist Gibson Finds Something New To Hate
We here at BYE! often get told about exciting and exclusive news stories but nothing could be more exciting as this article.
Full time racist, sexist and occasional movie Director Mel Gibson has found himself something new to hate. What more could he possibly hate I hear you ask!?
We here at BYE! have learnt that Mr Gibson now hates People who wear Tee-Shirts with words on them.
We caught up with Pro Words On Shirts CEO Sandra Wilson and she had this to say: "...Yeah you can hate Jews and Blacks all you want but you cross a fine line when you start hating on people who wear shirts with words on them...".
Strong words there, but does she have a point?
Bellow is a Tee-Shirt Gibson might hate.
Rabbi Jebediah Schwartz had this to add: "...I've never really watched a Mel Gibson movie nor do I know much about him and his life, in fact I'm not even sure what this interview is about. Sorry, did you say something about shirts and words? I don't wear tee-shirts, can you leave now please, I have work to do..."
We know that Gibson has been going to high street outlets such as Macee's and tearing up all of the shirts that have words on them.
A shopper who was in the store at the time gave us this quick interview: "...I always knew Gibson was a shit but I didn't realise he was this much of a shit, fucking dick...".
Gibson's latest movie can probably be found in a landfill site near you somewhere.
In other news....
Chris Martin proves he is still un-cool by kidnapping a baby, that is white.
Jim Davidson is still a twat.
Full time racist, sexist and occasional movie Director Mel Gibson has found himself something new to hate. What more could he possibly hate I hear you ask!?
We here at BYE! have learnt that Mr Gibson now hates People who wear Tee-Shirts with words on them.
We caught up with Pro Words On Shirts CEO Sandra Wilson and she had this to say: "...Yeah you can hate Jews and Blacks all you want but you cross a fine line when you start hating on people who wear shirts with words on them...".
Strong words there, but does she have a point?
Bellow is a Tee-Shirt Gibson might hate.
Rabbi Jebediah Schwartz had this to add: "...I've never really watched a Mel Gibson movie nor do I know much about him and his life, in fact I'm not even sure what this interview is about. Sorry, did you say something about shirts and words? I don't wear tee-shirts, can you leave now please, I have work to do..."
We know that Gibson has been going to high street outlets such as Macee's and tearing up all of the shirts that have words on them.
A shopper who was in the store at the time gave us this quick interview: "...I always knew Gibson was a shit but I didn't realise he was this much of a shit, fucking dick...".
Gibson's latest movie can probably be found in a landfill site near you somewhere.
In other news....
Chris Martin proves he is still un-cool by kidnapping a baby, that is white.
Jim Davidson is still a twat.
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