X factor ratings plummet

Shocking news this week, as ITV (aka ‘shITeV’) announced that its Saturday night flagship program, X-factor, was significantly losing the ratings battle. Reasons are thought to be due to Channel 5's new show, ‘Paint’, clashing with it.

Stephen Twatbags, a shITeV executive said "While we regret X factor is losing popularity, we will continue to cater fully to the core fanbase: middle aged housewives, gays and stupids." He then went also went on to announce another show virtually identical to Paint, apart from the name and Ant and Dec.

ShITeV are also denying reports the Simon Cowell has killed himself. "Just rumours" - so it's best not to get your hopes up at this point.

Of no relation to Microsoft's Neanderthal art program, Paint is a show all about paint - specifically the rate that it dries. Something about it clearly appeals to the British public.


In other news...



















Backstage scandal as Graham Norton is caught naked playing with his balls.

















Liam Gallagher does his famous ‘tosser impression’. Little effort required.

Beaullox Horoscopes - September.

Ah, welcome children, my name is Madame Beaullox. I have had many years of experience as a psychic and astrologer. I have been asked to write a monthly horoscope, exclusively for BYE!. If I write the horoscopes on time for the deadline, they let me out of my cage for the afternoon. Sweet sweet sunlight!



Aries: March 20 - April 20 – This is a good month to start learning how to fly. Take that first jump out of your nest and let the wind carry you. Note: May only apply to birds.

Taurus: April 21 - May 21 - Blahbluh bluhblahblah blah. BLAH. Blah blah blah blah blahblah blah blah blah bluhbluhblah! Bluheblah? BUBUBUBUBUBUUU BUBUBUBUBUBUB. Blubbity. Blahbluhablah.

Gemini: May 22 - June 21 - this month you will decide to send the link of a certain dying satirical gossip blog to all your friends, to save it, because you're awesome!

Cancer: June 22 - July 22 – Try reading the bible. Rethink your faith. You can become a better Christian. For starters, stop reading horoscopes, you heathen. JESUS, at least maintains some consistency.

Leo: July 23 - August 23 – Nothing will happen this month

Virgo: August 24 - September 23 – Try to be braver. Don't let the spirits scare you, stand up to them. Remember, they don't exist. They're just people in costumes trying to scare people away for their own gain. And remember to feed your dog.

Libra: September 24 - October 23 – if you like sausages, this is a good month to eat them. However, if you don't like sausages, don't bother.

Scorpio: October 24 - November 22 – You piece of shit, you don't deserve to be reading these horoscopes. You disgust me, I've seen more respectable fingernails than you. Hopefully soon you'll realise that nobody likes you and that they only talk to you because they're scared you'll kill them. You won't even do that, will you? Worthless cunt. Go on then, prove me wrong. Kill them. Go on. You can't, can you? Wuss.

Sagittarius: November 23 - December 21 – You're gay. Don't try to hide it.

Capricorn: December 22 - January 19 – This month you will disappoint many people after you explain you don't live at the end of the rainbow and hand out pots of gold, and that they must have misread.

Aquarius: January 20 - February 18 – Your friend will turn out to be gay.

Pisces: February 19 - March 19 – Live someone else.