X factor ratings plummet

Shocking news this week, as ITV (aka ‘shITeV’) announced that its Saturday night flagship program, X-factor, was significantly losing the ratings battle. Reasons are thought to be due to Channel 5's new show, ‘Paint’, clashing with it.

Stephen Twatbags, a shITeV executive said "While we regret X factor is losing popularity, we will continue to cater fully to the core fanbase: middle aged housewives, gays and stupids." He then went also went on to announce another show virtually identical to Paint, apart from the name and Ant and Dec.

ShITeV are also denying reports the Simon Cowell has killed himself. "Just rumours" - so it's best not to get your hopes up at this point.

Of no relation to Microsoft's Neanderthal art program, Paint is a show all about paint - specifically the rate that it dries. Something about it clearly appeals to the British public.


In other news...



















Backstage scandal as Graham Norton is caught naked playing with his balls.

















Liam Gallagher does his famous ‘tosser impression’. Little effort required.