Sad News

We regret to inform our loyal readers that BYE! writer, and Big Brother reporter, Arthur Fiddlesbury III passed away at 1.00 am GMT. Doctors say after being rushed to hospital, Arthur slipped into a deep coma, and died soon after. Police say Arthur was knocked unconscious by Lady GaGa, who we now know was jealous of him for winning the "sexiest man alive" award.

We at BYE! will sorely miss Arthur Fiddlesbury. He was a man full of emotions. He made us laugh. He made us cry. He mainly made us cry. We offer our condolences to his family and pets.

However, Aruther's loss is our gain. His adopted/stolen son Arthur has decided to follow in his father's footsteps and write articles for BYE!. Unfortunately, this means no more regular Big Brother reports on BYE!.

REST IN PISS
Arthur James Fiddlesbury III
5th April 2009-27th June 2009

Please leave your thoughts and goodbyes for Arthur in the comment section below the article

In other news...
























This person died...


















...and so did this guy.


But they don't matter as much as Arthur.

BYE! Exclusive: Arthur Fiddlesbury III Attacked

We here at BYE! are saddened to report that that Arthur Fiddlesbury III is currently in hospital after being punched by Lady Gaga at an awards show. As of yet we have no further details on the condition of the celebrity blogger, who was due to collect and award for being voted World's sexiest man. It is believed Lady Gaga was furious about an article written about her by Fiddlesbury III and in a drunken rage punched him, with such force that even guest award presenter Mike Tyson was said to have flinched, before being escorted out by security before being arrested. She was also reported to have shouted "And that award should have gone to me too" as she left.

The attack comes days after lowlife celebrity botherer Perez Hilton was rightly punched by Polo Molina, the manager for the popular group The Black Eyed Peas. Unlike Arthur, Perez is widely hated and news of his attack brought great joy. Unfortunately tonight emotions are the opposite. We will be sure to be first to bring you any updated news on the status of Arthur Fiddlesbury III and we at BYE! all wish him the best.

World's Sexiest People Results Announced

A poll conducted to find who the public think are the sexiest people in the world had it's findings released today exclusive to BYE!. Scottish songstress Susan Boyle once again had to settle for the runner up spot, finishing behind Barbara Streisand on the female list. One Foot In The Grave star and Evening Standard British Film Best Actress Award winner for 1977 Annette Crosbie rounded out the top three.

The news will no doubt come as another blow to the fragile Boyle, who is already struggling to deal with the pressure of her second place result on Britain's Got Talent. A source close to the high profile star revealed to us here at BYE! that Susan is most upset she didn't win the tv show not because of the chance to play on front of the Royal family, who she speaks about in a less than complimentary manner, but because she thinks that had she won people would soon leave her alone and forget about her again, as is the case with the winners of the show whoever they were.

As for the male results there was little surprise when BYE! contributor Arthur Fiddlesbury III topped the poll for the sixth year in a row. Unsurprisingly, when asked how he felt about the result, the modest writer just said "Unsurprised." He finished well ahead of actors Emilio Estevez and Joe Pesci, who finished second and third repectivly.

In Other News


"Simon Cowell's insults hit an all time low"


"Shia LaBeouf pictured at the premiere for the new Transformers film."

Big Brother update (19/06/09)

Ah yes, it has been a while since the last update. And for good reason - we wanted to see how things played out before we, at BYE! gave our professional opinions on the matter (FUCK OFF THAT'S THE REASON).

Let's start with the biggest news - 2 new evictions! Both Arthur and Sarah have left. This leaves a big scar in the house - poor John and Q2E-FT5-99999 have lost their best friends. Who knows what will happen now? Will John and Q2E-FT5-99999 finally put their racial differences (as shown last week when John called Q2E a "metal-skinned fuck"; to which he replied John was a "01000011010101010100111001010100")

Arthur left by surprise eviction on monday last week, where as Sarah got kicked out after smuggling pencils in her anus. We aren't sure why she bothered, since pencils are supplied. Maybe one day we will find out.

What else has happened? Well our good friend (by that I mean "bad acquaintance") Rainforest Humps has found love! After noticing a small spider in the kitchen, Rainforest fell in love straight away. In the Diary Room, Rainforest confessed their plans to get married to 'Bill' when the show is over. We wish them good luck.

What else? Not much else. But Bruce did attempt to eat Edna's Sherrywinkle...which she did not approve of. OAPs, eh? Don't appreciate cannibalism. Who knows what may happen.

And that's about all that happened (aside from the knifing) since last time. It's looking to be a fun BB this year. Will it maintain its quality? Only if I actually write this reguarly, and when I'm not tired and have actually decided on a story arc. AHEM, uhh I mean "Who knows?"

Exclusive Interview With Simone Simone

We here at BYE! are delighted to being you an interview with the first housemate evicted from Big Brother, Simone Simone.



Shadwell Bloopants: Simone, how surprised were you over your surprise eviction that surprisingly happened last Wednesday?
Simone Simone: Not at all. My psychic powers told me that it was going to happen. In the exact moment. In the exact same way.

SB: Your psychic powers seemed to fail you when you entered the house, with your disgust at the house in face being a disused brothel with gloryholes. Why did that upset you so much?
SS: The spirits had lied to me.

SB: The challenge that got you evicted was a crazy one. What was going through your mind during the challenge?
SS: Mainly blood.

SB: Who were your friends and enemies in the house?
SS:Friends? I had none. They were all idiots. And racists. Especially spider-man.

SB: Really? Tell us more.
SS: He once tried to step on Harry for having grey fur.

SB: You mentioned to Bruce about camels hating you, before you broke down into tears. What's the whole story behind you and camels?
SS:My step-father was a camel. When my mother was out of the house, he would molest me. It was an ordeal. But I pulled through. But then when I was older, I swore on my life that each and every camel would be slain. By my hands. Or gun.

SB: Since you weren't in the house long we didn't get to know you well. Tell us more about the person that is Simone Simone.
SS: Well I was born and raised in Edinburgh... my interests include cats, philosophy, politics, swimming and lightsabers. I'm quite a friendly person... but people get scared by my name and run off. I'm very sad.

SB: Being the first booted out of the house can't be helping your sadness.
SS: I didn't mind. I already knew. Psychic powers, see?

SB: But of course. What's the current status in your love life?
SS: I love life.

SB: Will you continue to watch Big Brother this year?
SS: Will I watch what?

SB: The tv show you just appeared on.
SS: Wait... I was on TV?

SB: You sure were. What did you think was happening?
SS: Why are you asking me these questions?

SB: Because the wonderful readers of BYE! are Big Brother fans and want to learn more about the housemates.
SS: Oh... I'm cold... can I go home now? Please.

SB:Sure. Enjoy your photoshoot with Nuts Magazine before fading back into obscurity and thanks for your time.
SS: Bye bye BYE!

Big Brother update (11/06/09)

Oh my. What an exciting week it's been in the BB dungeon. First of all, Harry attempted to kill Edna after an argument about socks (where he was hiding that battle-axe we may never know), secondly two members have fallen in love (Arthur and Spider-man) but most exciting of all - a surprise eviction! After losing a challenge involving arsenic, sausages, penetration and an Alsation, Simone Simone has had to leave on wednesday night! Lucky bitch(?) Keep watching BYE! for an exclusive interview with Simone, the first Big Brother evictee.

In other activity, Harry took a shit, Jeremy took a nap and Steph tried to lick her own anus. And failed. While severely damaging her spine. Causing instant paralysis. So now most of the footage of her will involve her just lying around doing nothing of interest... we may not notice a difference between her and the other contestants.

Who knows what drama may grow from the relationships between the competitors? God does. And he won't tell me, the prick.

Bill Cosby In Air Rage Scandal!

Iconic comedian and actor Bill Cosby is out on bail after an alleged incident that took place in the air last night. It is claimed that Cosby, 71, became extremely upset after overhearing a conversation between a mother and child on the flight to Los Angeles and that he became verbally and physically abusive towards the boy.

A passenger on board, James B. Snatchwood, gave his account of what happened exclusively to BYE!. "I was sitting opposite the mother and child who were talking about what to eat when they got home. She asked her son if he wanted some Jell-o Pudding, and he said ewww, no. Bill, who was sitting in the seat directly on front of them, turned around and started shouting at the child. He was too worked up to understand everything he said but he was obviously very angry. He was shouting about Jell-o then remarked that kids do not say the funniest things, that he does and he's the greatest comedian that ever lived."

James continued, "He was taking all his anger out on the visibly distressed child and he was completely ignoring the crew's efforts to calm him down. When it looked like he was finished, BAM, he punches the kid in the face. At this point he's tackled by the air hostesses and restrained until we landed."

Cosby, who famously starred in adverts for Jell-o products, has yet to comment on the incident. He is expected to face trial sometime next week where he could face possible jail time, although being such a well known and loved public figure it is felt he will most likely just face a fine before the incident is quickly dropped from the headlines.

In Other News


"A recent public appearance by Dane Cook has resulted in the largest increase of gun sales in history"


"Eddie Murphy is confused when told his finger gun wont work on Cook"

Big Brother update (06/06/09)

The housemates were shocked to find out that the New Big Brother house was actually just a disused brothel with gloryholes instead of cameras. Some mixed reactions: Edna, Arthur and Simone were repulsed, Sarah and John were elated, Bruce said he was "bonzer" (whatever that is), whereas Steph was angry (because Spider-man trod on her toe), Q2E-FT5-99999 was completely devoid of all emotion and Jeremy was confused, presumably because the sedative was starting to wear off.

The housemates seemed to warm to each other particularly well. Notably, Harry and Spider-man seemed to find similar interests and get on very well. However, rivalries soon formed: Rainforest and John quickly got into a dispute over whether women have penises or not.

Overall, an interesting start to this year's series. Let's hope that this time we will have more than one suicide.

BYE! - BIG BROTHER SPECIAL (intro)

Oh god it's that important event! It has been heavily advertised, it involves voting and greatly effects our lives... wait, what European elections? Fuck that. I believe I was referring to the new series of Big Brother! How positively exciting.

Here is an exclusive BYE! section made especially for the new series of BB. Keep checking back regularly for new updates on the show. Here we will introduce the newest contestants.















Name: Angela Diddlesbum
Age: 23
Gender: F
Info: Optimist. Pretty. Bubbly personality. Average intelligence. Loved by all. Known serial killer.












Name: Steven Jonatiple
Age: 67
Gender: M
Info: Fought in the war. Has dementia. Thinks he is still in the war.










Name: Rainforest Humps
Age: 45
Gender: M
Info: Hippie. Dull. American. Dislikeable. Has been known to penetrate voles.










Name: Steph Spigglesweed
Age: 34
Gender: F
Info: Pornstar. First known woman ever to be anally penetrated with a politician's head while riding a unicycle. And survive.













Name: Spider-man
Age: ??
Gender: M
Info: Superhuman strength stamina, speed, agility, reflexes, durability and equilibrium. Web slinging Precognitive spider sense. Ability to cling to most surfaces. Makes a mean omelette.










Name: John Rafferty
Age: 0.45
Gender: M
Info: Likes to suck nipples and shit himself.













Name: Sarah Dooblinger
Age: 36
Gender: ??
Info: Transexual. Used to be a man. Who used to be a woman. Who used to be a man. etc. Original species unknown. Is a Nazi.










Name: Jayne Willisworth
Age: 27
Gender: F
Info: Fat. Ugly. Whiney. Claims to be able to fly. Has yet to be proven.











Name: Harry (surname unknown)
Age: 2
Gender: M
Info: Likes to eat cheese.













Name: Count Arthur Ramsyourbottom
Age: 19
Gender: M
Info: Likes to eat cheese.













Name: Jeremy Kyle
Age: 43
Gender: M
Info: Scumbag in general. Enjoys goading ugly people with family issues to shout a lot.













Name: Dani Bibblesworth
Age: 21
Gender: F
Info: Former heron addict. Recently came out of rehab to kick her bird problem.












Name: Edna Sherrywinkle
Age: 89
Gender: F
Info: Loving grandmother. Kind. Old. May die.











Name: Q2E-FT5-99999
Age: X
Gender: N/A
Info: Made of metal. Enojoys cleaning, extermination and time travel.










Name: Bruce Koala
Age: 30
Gender: M
Info: Australian. Commands an army of wildlife. Is stereotypical. Likes reading Jane Austin novels.












Name: Simone Simone
Age: 17
Gender: F
Info: Scares people with her double name. Nice sense of humour. Has been known to nibble peoples' eyelashes. Hated by camels.



Is it going to be a good year? We don't know, we aren't psychic here at BYE!, but we think this may be fun. Keep watching!

WHO ARE YOU BACKING THIS YEAR? LEAVE A COMMENT BELOW!

Beaullox Horoscopes - June

Ah, welcome children, my name is Madame Beaullox. I have had many years of experience as a psychic and astrologer. I have been asked to write a monthly horoscope, exclusively for BYE!. So, come and read what the future holds for you, I've won the BYE! Award for Best Psychic and Astrologer for 2 months in a row now so you know I'm good.

Aries: March 20 - April 20 – You'll be tempted to try a new shampoo this month. DON'T! In fact, if you go without washing your hair you'll catch the attention of many ladies.

Taurus: April 21 - May 21 – You'll be asked to leave any china shop you enter this month.

Gemini: May 22 - June 21 – What a great time it has been recently for you! Birthday, holiday, romance, not to mention that beard you always wanted starts to grow a treat.

Cancer: June 22 - July 22 – Your excitement about the upcoming series of Big Brother causes your friends to worry about you. Luckily for you those friends aren't real.

Leo: July 23 - August 23 – Your astounding sexiness will make people feel jealous and horny in equal measure.

Virgo: August 24 - September 23 – You remember you left your bus pass on a bus.

Libra: September 24 - October 23 –You'll get stung by a wasp. Good. You deserve it for being such a prick to Charlene last week at the pub. Don't remember? Not surprised you no good alco.

Scorpio: October 24 - November 22 – Your twisted twin obsessions are your plot to rule the world and your employees health.

Sagittarius: November 23 - December 21 – That bee you trained will do it's job perfectly. You'll then get upset and mourn the bee passing.

Capricorn: December 22 - January 19 – Don't you feel better now you lost all that weight? Celebrate with a giant cake.

Aquarius: January 20 - February 18 – You'll get keyboard cat's tune stuck in your head to such an extent you'll consider suicide. I suggest you go through with it.

Pisces: February 19 - March 19 – Kill yourself.