Top 5 Tips To Look Good

Hello there boys and girls, it's me again Aunty Fat Fight, that's right the person you're Mum warned you about.

Today, I'm going to give you my top 5 tips on looking good so let's start with number 5 shall we?

5. Get plastic surgery.

4. Lose weight fatty.

3. Become bulimic, vomiting tastes good honestly!

2. Wear slut like clothes, preferably ones that show off your little A cup tits!

1. Be less ugly and stop sleeping will all the boys down your road trying to get pregnant, we all know you're ovaries don't work so stop trying bitch! Also that Jake Harrison is mine bitch!

That's all for my top tips on looking good, I'll be back with my top 5 hints to avoid Homosexuals!

Twit's Tit/Twat Tweet Tiff

X Factor will soon to return to our screens and already there appears to be a feud brewing between the female judges Cheryl Cole and Danni Minogue. The row reached the public from a twitter post by Cheryl, who had this to say: "back on screen soon wit dat fake boobed, open legd Aussie fool. Hurray!". While nobody was named it seems pretty clear the post targets Danni, who as of yet has not responded.

When asked about the post a shocked Cheryl tried to downplay the tweet. "Woh lad. Ho'way!? Someone's obviously been hackin' intay me account. I divint do it like! Do I even have a twitta page, lass? It's a fake, alreet? Danni's a pet. I'd ne'er banter aboot her like that like, even though it's true. I mean... ah shite..."

The tweet is bound to cause friction between the pair in the new series, which is said to involve contestants with such sob stories as a man who has five testicles that are constantly banging together á la newton's cradle causing great pain but a sweet falsetto sound and a granny who had her eyes glued closed during the war.

In Other News

Peter Andre reacts to being told he can fight Alex Reid for Jordan.


Lily Allen gets up close an personal with fans at an intimate gig.

Katona SACKED!!!!

You heard it here first ladies and gentlemen that the face of Fat Stupid Women Unite Kerry Katona has been sacked.
The reason for the sacking is rumoured to be that she ate a small child whilst filming a new commercial.

Her publicist Richard Cummings released this statement: "Far be it for me to accuse Miss Katona of being a fat stupid bitch, but let's be honest here, that is what she is!".

Kerry was also the face of some low rent "Supermarket" here in the UK, she's been sacked from that too.
Kerry is yet to make a speech, one assumes she is stuffing her big fat face full of shit!

Mum's who shop at the supermarket are disgusted with the news and are boycotting the supermarket until they replace Kerry with someone who is equally as fat and as stupid!

We here at BYE! have learnt that the next face of the Supermarket and Fat Women Unite will be welsh whale Charlotte Church! Mum's, I do hope this is good enough.

If you want your say on this story, write on a piece of paper and post to our address. To do this, simply take the piece of paper and put it into any waste bin that you see on your travels, and we promise it will reach us.



In other news....

As the X Factor returns, Simon Cowell can no longer stand Dannii Minogue's awful voice.

and

Miley Cyrus is seen outside after being arrested for stalking one of the Jonas Brothers.

"NO!" Says America

American's such as Tom Cruise and an employee of Dairy Queen have been joining protests to stop the Government giving away free Toothpaste.
Actor and Director Mel Gibson gave us his verdict on the new Government policy: "As a far right kind of guy that I am I do not need to be given free toothpaste. In fact I don't use toothpaste, my hatred of blacks and Jews keeps my teeth sparkling white".

The President has been urging people that free toothpaste is a great idea as it will keep American's teeth white and healthy, it will also help poorer families afford basic dental care.
Rich right wing republicans have been opposing the idea saying that the money could be used to fund the army to kill innocent people in foreign countries.

Dentist and pro fee toothpaste campaigner Jeffrey Clarke wanted his say on this matter: "American's who oppose such an idea are not stupid but they are ignorant. I can see why republicans oppose the idea, they have shit teeth".

More on this news as it breaks

Aunty Fat Fight's Top 10 Tips To Stay Slim this Summer

Hello there fatties I mean readers, looking for some great ways to stay thin this summer?
Is your bikini getting eaten by your arse? Are the people at work laughing at you? Good because you probably deserve it you fat shit, but despair not Aunty Fat Fight is here to help you lose those stones that you've put on over the years.

Here's my top ten count down.

10. Oh look it's a McDonalds, you want some don't you? That's 10 lashings for being tempted you fat bitch.

9. Use the Gym, it's there. Unless of course you are so fat that you can't stand under your own weight, in which case I highly suggest you kill yourself.

8. Look what I have here, a doggy treat. You want one don't you? You sicken me!

7. Liposuction could be a good idea for you, if you can't be fucked to exercise yourself because you're a lazy shit.

6. Chase after that ice cream van that drives through your road, that will help shed a few pounds.

5. We're half way there.

4. Ask the local kids to roll you down a hill.

3. This doughnut is delicious, oh sorry. Ahem, try swimming but beware the pool may be evacuated because you will be confused for a whale.

2. Do some push ups if that fails just try getting out of bed.

1. If none of these tips help, kill yourself, seriously there's no other hope for you.

I hope you have found my top ten tips helpful, I'll be back soon with some more great health tips just for you BYE! readers.

BYE! Economy (New Feature)

As we all know, the economy has hit the pan and no one is helping it get better.
In fact the economy is so ill, it has been suspected that it may have Swine Flu.

This new feature (which will be monthly) will focus on the economy and it's slow slow slow recovery back to good health, after it's had some soup and a lie down.

(This is what the economy may look like)

At this present moment in time we know that the Dollar is weak against the Pound so the Pound is taking advantage of this situation and is beating it up (coward).
The Euro € has been hiding behind a cupboard somewhere and refuses to come out until it is offered some milk and cookies, however if it keeps being naughty it will go to bed early with no supper!

Gerald Greene head investment specialist for a major bank had this to say: "To be fair, two of the banks are fucked let's be honest. If people think we're going to be okay, they're mad really mad. They're as mad as the wankers running the country."

But is it all doom and gloom? Yes, yes it is unless you're Barclays or HSBC. Two of the only banks not to have been caught stealing money from some old blind pensioner.

Leading Economist Susan Mckain (yes she's a woman) gave us this: "I'm optimistic, optimistic like a baby who has lost it's favourite toy. If I can't find it Mummy will buy me a new one, this annalogy can be used to describe the economy. Basically if we lose it, someone's Mummy will replace it with a new one."

The Footsie 100 closed 25% down from the same time 2 hours ago closing at 6666 points, coincidence or just a random number?

Since the economy collapsed under it's own big fat swine flu obese self, quite a few people have lost their jobs and the UK is starting to suffer.

"If the economy does in fact have swine flu, what's to stop it spreading to the stock exchanges? You could see a mass epidemic of Stock exchanges going off sick from work for a maximum of 7 days. I'm not sure that we can cope that long" explained Dr. Timothy Neil head flu expert at some hospital somewhere.

People claiming benefits has risen since the start of the year and that is expected to rise thanks to employers spending their money on strippers and helicopters instead of investing it.

What is the next big step for the economy? More lending, more investing or even printing more money? No, it's a strict diet and weekly sessions at the gym once it has gotten over Swine flu but for now it will have a nice warm blanket and some chicken soup to keep it's strength up.

Chadwell Tightbottom had the pleasure of interviewing the economy's father; Alister Darling and he wanted to know a few things.

Chadwell Tightbottom: Has the economy got Swine Flu?
Alister Darling: It has, it's very tragic.

CT: Will it pull through okay?
AD: I do hope so

CT: What are you doing to make sure it is going to live?
AD: "Warm blanket, hot soup you know the usual"

CT:: Alister tell us, are you a really a badger?
AD: No comment

CT: You ever touch Gordon?
AD: Only in my head.

CT: Alister what are you doing to keep the country stable until the economy recovers?
AD: Well Chadwell I'm going to ensure that everyone does their part and that everyone prays we pull through this.

CT: Thank you Mr. Darling you've been a erm, you've been great.
AD: Thanks, pleasure to be here. Where's the exit again?

More on the economy and it's ill health next month.

Racist Gibson Finds Something New To Hate

We here at BYE! often get told about exciting and exclusive news stories but nothing could be more exciting as this article.

Full time racist, sexist and occasional movie Director Mel Gibson has found himself something new to hate. What more could he possibly hate I hear you ask!?
We here at BYE! have learnt that Mr Gibson now hates People who wear Tee-Shirts with words on them.

We caught up with Pro Words On Shirts CEO Sandra Wilson and she had this to say: "...Yeah you can hate Jews and Blacks all you want but you cross a fine line when you start hating on people who wear shirts with words on them...".
Strong words there, but does she have a point?

Bellow is a Tee-Shirt Gibson might hate.

Rabbi Jebediah Schwartz had this to add: "...I've never really watched a Mel Gibson movie nor do I know much about him and his life, in fact I'm not even sure what this interview is about. Sorry, did you say something about shirts and words? I don't wear tee-shirts, can you leave now please, I have work to do..."

We know that Gibson has been going to high street outlets such as Macee's and tearing up all of the shirts that have words on them.
A shopper who was in the store at the time gave us this quick interview: "...I always knew Gibson was a shit but I didn't realise he was this much of a shit, fucking dick...".

Gibson's latest movie can probably be found in a landfill site near you somewhere.




In other news....

Chris Martin proves he is still un-cool by kidnapping a baby, that is white.






Jim Davidson is still a twat.

New Zoo Manager Causes a Storm

BYE! Has learnt of this world exclusive shocking news story that full time serial killer, part time homosexual Dennis Nilson, has become the brand new manager of a London based Zoo after his quick and silent release from prison.

Dennis was ushered in as manger by the Zoo in a silent ceremony, the Zoo said Dennis was chosen to and we quote "keep him out of trouble".

We managed to quickly get a very brief interview with the ex serial killer and we asked him about his new role. "... I used to own 15 ties, now I just wear a clip on...".
Detective Chief Inspector Peter Jay said of the move, "What, they let the sick bastard out of jail!?"

Dennis has been confined to an office in the Zoo where there is a bed and an oven but he has to use the public toilets to clean himself and wash up.

The public have been protesting ever since the news broke, with one protester going as far to say "...I've never been to that Zoo nor have I ever heard of Dennis but I am certainly not going there now...". When questioned as to why he was participating in the protest he simply came back with "Everyone else was doing it, and I didn't want to be left out".

Such is the behaviour of protesters that they even tried setting fire to an Elephant in the Zoo out of protest.
We questioned one zoo keeper about the incident: "You know, I get paid the same whether my boss is Dennis Nilson or Chris Eubank. I think setting fire to an elephant isn't going to solve anything. In fact it will probably make matters worse."

A documentary looking at Dennis as the new Manager of the Zoo will be broadcast on Channel 5 on August 26th at 9pm.




In other news....

"Steven Spielberg reveals truth about himself"

"Leona Lewis plays with herself whilst looking at pasty white man"

Pompous Chris Eubank Opts for Sex Change

We have learnt here at BYE! that pompous arsehole and occasional boxer Chris Eubank is hitting the surgeons table for a sex change.

This world exclusive story was revealed after our front line reporter accidentally dialled the wrong number whilst ordering his favourite pizza from a popular pizza restaurant.

Recent rumours had been circulating that he was having dental surgery done, this however was a sick lie started by a rival and more popular tabloid newspaper.

What has prompted Eubank to take on this sex change? People who know him claim it is due to his Lordship of Brighton title (a heavily visited homosexual dance beach in the district of East Sussex).

Eubank himself has still yet to comment but a close aid of his did have this to say: " I think it started at a young age for Eubank, always wanting to deal the big blow the heavy punch ya know? I think he has always known he has been a little fairy stuck in a moderately sized man's body. I think it's great he's doing this and I know the surgeon is going to do a knock out job".

Boxing legend and rival Mick Tyrone wanted nothing to do with this article and stated he hated Mr Eubank and hopes he dies on the operating table.

Chris Eubank once appeared on Big Brother as a so-called celebrity dressed in a pink leotard prompting rumours that Chris was in fact a little girl.
His short and unwatched stint on Celebrity Big Brother made Chris realise that as a man no one liked him nor took him seriously, he did attempt suicide but this failed after the chain on his Monocle broke and he fell 1ft to the floor below him.

Chris' sex change can be watched live on a channel 5 exclusive programme due to be shown in the coming weeks.

In other news.....

"Lindsay Lohan auditions kids she wants to adopt for a new Fox reality TV show"





"Anna Kournikova and Enrique Igelsias regret their superglue experiment"

Beaullox Horoscopes - August

Ah, welcome children, my name is Madame Beaullox. I have had many years of experience as a psychic and astrologer. I have been asked to write a monthly horoscope, exclusively for BYE!. So, come and read what the future holds for you, also fancy a visit behind the bike shed?

Aries: March 20 - April 20 – If you've been hesitant about making that big purchase, hold off for another couple of days. Remember your moon is in Sagittarius not the time for reckless spending

Taurus: April 21 - May 21 - if you're a Taurus, see a florist

Gemini: May 22 - June 21 - If you're a Gemini like me, you can expect the unexpected

Cancer: June 22 - July 22 – There's not much hope for you this month, your parents will probably divorce and your life partner will announce a change in sexuality.

Leo: July 23 - August 23 – Now's a good time to pull the plug on that life support machine that's been keeping your daughter alive for the past six months

Virgo: August 24 - September 23 – You can expect an untimely death or a tragic dismemberment for someone very close to you.

Libra: September 24 - October 23 – Everyone at work will look at you funny, don't worry it has nothing to do with that sex tape that your ex girlfriend leaked all over the internet.

Scorpio: October 24 - November 22 – As the days grow shorter and the nights longer I recommend you hang around dark alley ways, you never know you might meet someone nice.

Sagittarius: November 23 - December 21 – Remember that picture you found in your dads wardrobe of him naked? Now's the time to blackmail him to buy you that pony you've always wanted. But beware, he may blackmail you about that time he caught you masturbating.

Capricorn: December 22 - January 19 – This month you can expect a fantastic job promotion from tea boy to mail boy. If you ask your boss nicely they may sleep with you, it won't guarantee you a promotion but at least you can lose your virginity at last.

Aquarius: January 20 - February 18 – You can epexct to drown in a freak fishing accident, don't say I didn't warn you.

Pisces: February 19 - March 19 – Kill yourself.