Susan Boyle Loses It

literally

Susan Boyle Loses It

World famous Talent show contestant, Susan Boyle has killed a man, reportedly. Susan, 48 years old, announced earlier today that she was a large frying pan who liked eating koala bears.

It is believed that the woman has lost all sanity due to the media's constant attention, pressure from the television show and the general public doing what the public generally does. Her spokesperson said later after the event "It is truly sad that such an above average singer has been pushed like this. I believe this proves once again that the media are insensitive, money grubbing pricks and the general public are stupid band-wagon jumping, over-sensitive, stupid pricks. Please vote for Susan in the finals."

Despite having gone nutty, she will still be performing for us, albeit pointlessly, since votes have been coming in before the actual broadcast, ITV reports.

Due to the pressure, support has been pouring in for her all over the world. Notably, Piers Morgan said on his blog that the reason Susan has lost the plot is because she does not know how to cope with the pressure. Morgan claims that he there are ways in which to cope criticism and that "I have been called all that and worse in my career".

This comes as a great shock to BYE! - the fact that such a lovable icon in British culture and former editor for 'The Daily Mirror' (which has, coincidentally, kept us all up to date with Boyle's personal life) could ever have been criticised in any way.



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Katie & Peter Break Up Exclusive!

Just days after the break up of Katie Price aka Jordan and Peter Andre was announced, causing upset to tens of people around the world we can exclusively reveal the real reason behind the split. While many speculated that it was due to the popularity and media attention the pair have been getting dropping, our exclusive reveals nothing could be further from the truth.

Thicky Gibtits, a close friend of Katie, revealed to us the true reason: "As everyone knows they met while on tv in the jungle, and at first Katie wasn't interested. That changed when Peter told Katie something that she only just recently found out to be a lie. He told her that they've both caught a deadly jungle fever and the only way for them both to survive is to get married and have plenty of sex. He also told her she can't tell anyone or they'll catch it too." Katie only learned of the lie two weeks ago, when afraid she had swine fever she went to the doctor and when the tests came back she was told she had no fever of any kind. "Katie was extremely upset that Peter lied to her. He said the fever could never be cured, only treated with regular sex."

When we contacted Ms. Price about this new development in the story she released this statement: "At the moment I'm still reeling over the lies, but once I'm over it I'm going to dedicate my life to helping women with jungle fever, and show them it is possible to be cured. I will thank Peter for keeping me alive when I had the fever, but for him to lie to me saying I will never be cured is unforgivable."

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'The Lonely Island' Announce New Album

Despite their current release, the aptly titled Incredibad, only having hit the shelves a few months ago, The Lonely Island have announced that they have already recorded a follow-up that is due for release this summer. The album, called Brillicant, will contain "songs" called "Oops, I Pooped Myself", "I Rode A Horse" and "The Penis, Mightier Than The Sword".

When asked how they recorded a new album so fast, member Jorma Taccone had this to say: "It was easy, really. The secret to doing it so fast is by following the formula of our older stuff. By that I mean it's all so retardedly simple they take seconds to throw together. We don't even try to be funny, as should be obvious by our material and album titles. We're actually an experiment to see if they public really will buy into any old shite and it turns out, they do."

Incredibad contained the popular tracks "Jizz In My Pants" which was about jizzing in their pants and "I'm on a Boat" which was about being on a boat. The album reached 13 in the Billboard 200 album chart and has so far sold over 150,000 copies. If you bought it, please proceed to smash your skull against the nearest wall.

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Beaullox Horoscopes - May

Ah, welcome children, my name is Madame Beaullox. I have had many years of experience as a psychic and astrologer. I have been asked to write a monthly horoscope, exclusively for BYE!. So, come and read what the future holds for you, by listening to my bullshit. To be honest, you'd be better off guessing.

Aries: March 20 - April 20 – Now would be a good time to start a relationship. And it’s about time. Loser. Get a fucking girlfriend.

Taurus: April 21 - May 21 – The stars tell me arsenic is a tasty beverage for those born under the sign of Taurus. Drink it you fool! DRINK IT NOW!

Gemini: May 22 - June 21 – This month will be crap for you… You will be mugged by a man in tights and a balaclava… your house will set on fire… and you will catch syphilis. Not to mention the high amounts of manure you will accidentally tread in while walking to work.

Cancer: June 22 - July 22 – This month very successful for you. Keep up your hero work! That woman you saved last week was so happy she was crying. However, try to ignore the voices in your head, and if you can’t, don’t do what they tell you to. Also, try to wear a condom when having sex - don’t want a repeat of last time.

Leo: July 23 - August 23 – This month you are quite susceptible to swine flu. Try not to sleep with many pigs.

Virgo: August 24 - September 23 – This month you may find yourself writing silly satirical articles about magic animal stars, when you should be working towards something important.

Libra: September 24 - October 23 –This is a good month to try and sta-OH SHIT IT’S BACK! QUICK, BARRACADE THE DOOR. OHGODOHGODOHGODOHGOD…

Scorpio: October 24 - November 22 – This is a good month for those who have all your limbs. There is a high chance you will keep them.

Sagittarius: November 23 - December 21 – Rumours will be spread about you. Despite your successful career as an actor, men and women alike will debate over your penis size (NOTE: MAY NOT APPLY TO EVERYONE).

Capricorn: December 22 - January 19 – Lose some weight, fatty.

Aquarius: January 20 - February 18 – You may have lots of fish and water inside you. Because you’re an Aquarius! Geddit?! Oh fuck off then.

Pisces: February 19 - March 19 – Kill yourself.