Swine Flu Affects Hollywood

Shooting of many top Hollywood movies has come to a halt over growing fears about swine flu. The disease, which has killed tens of people, is forcing many top stars to stay locked up in their homes for fear of catching the disease.

A press release from an agent for top stars such as Will Smith, Daniel Craig and John Leguizamo had this to say: “Until the threat of swine flu has subsided none of my clients will be risking leaving their homes to go to work. Many of them are worried sick about catching the virus, causing them to suffer from an upset stomach as well as needing to rush to the bathroom every few minute to vomit and... other things. The idea of them contracting swine flu on top of this is unthinkable.”

Experts have risen panic levels even further by announcing they expect swine flu to mix with avian flu to form a virus called “ManBirdPig”. They add that if this happens the death toll may rise much higher by maybe one or possibly one hundred billion people.

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New TV Talent Show Announced

A new talent show is in talks for development, a Channel 4 employee has claimed. The idea of the show comes hot on the heels of the success of Britain's Got Talent contestant Susan Boyle, who has become a worldwide sensation with her audition getting over 100 million views on youtube.

“For the new show we will be asking people from all over the world to send in videos” said the employee, who wished to remain anonymous. “We're sure that by widening the net we'll find some great stories. There's an entire world of ugly people out there that have suffered emotional trauma that still haven't been exploited for a moments entertainment and we hope to offer the stage for them to tell us their story. Actual talent of course is optional.”

ITV plan to make this show their big hit for summer 2010 once Channel 4 show it and they rip off the idea for themselves.

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Lady GaGa diagnosed with rare tumour

International singer-songwriter and musician Lady GaGa has recently been diagnosed with a brain tumour. This news comes as a great shock to her loving fans. Gaga is known for her interesting fashion sense, Queen ‘influenced’ songs, such as ‘pokéface’ and the fact she is a closet transsexual.

Earlier in the year, Lady GaGa claimed that she can give herself an orgasm just by thinking and that she wears virtually no clothing so her hard-of-sight grandmother can see the movement of her pale skin on stage.

THIS IS WHAT LADY GAGA ACTUALLY BELIEVES

“This is a rare strain of tumour, which can have interesting, but sad results. The strain called ‘arugant’.” GaGa’s doctor tells us. “Luckily, there is a high chance the tumour may not kill her. On the other hand, there is a higher chance the tumour will inflate, greatly enlarging her skull shape and giving her quite a big head.”

GaGa herself didn’t comment, but her spokesperson said she is determined to continue touring and performing, despite being so big headed.

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New Religion Sweeps Hollywood

Hollywood A-listers have been rumoured to be attending a church that has recently seen sharp rise in popularity. Known as “The Church of Rifacimento” or “Rifacimentology”, it has reportedly seen such high profile stars as Denzel Washington , Keanu Reeves, Anthony Hopkins and Elisha Cuthbert pass through it's doors.

The church was founded under the belief that this world was created by a God, who after seeing a world created by another God years ago, felt he could do a better job so created the world we now live in. He soon found out it was much harder than first imagined, and the world we now live in was created but is much worse than the world originally created by the original God.

A spokesperson for Ms. Cuthbert released this statement. “It is true, my client is now a Rifacimentologist. She truly believes that by going to church everyday and praying to our God that he will return and fix the flaws in his recreation and has no problem paying the $10 entry fee into the church each day. She hopes by making this public that it will spread the word and others will join”.

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Ex-Big Brother Star Rises Again!

The British public was shocked this morning to find that ex-big brother contestant Jade Goody had briefly risen from the dead! This surprise comes nearly three weeks after her sad death. On 22nd March 2008, Jade sadly succumbed to the cervical cancer that she had developed. This provoked a huge reaction from the general public, with many followers (pussies) looking up to her and calling her “brave”, and a large amount of cunts, clearly so inconvenienced by her media appearances, that they wanted her to die as soon as possible.












“I saw that Jade’s tomb was empty… so I got upset, you see - I thought Shilpa Shetty had stolen the body.” one witness said. “I met her in the garden, and I didn’t recognise her. I swear to god, I thought from the mumbling that she was a random tramp at first! My second thought was zombie, but soon I realised it was Jade!”

Jade spent a short time with her family, before ascending to her resting place. Her family claim that she is not the messiah, nor is she a naughty boy, but she deserved respect as much as anyone else who has had cancer, regardless of her past actions.



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Hoff Looking For The 'One'

Acting and singing phenomena David Hasselhoff says he wants to settle down and stop his womanising ways. David, also known as The Hoff, has been with every woman alive and as a result is bored of having someone new every few hours.

“I had an idea that maybe I could go down the reality tv route to try find my true love, but when I pitched the idea to Simon (Cowell) he immediately shot it down, saying that the vast numbers that would apply would be impossible to handle” the chart topping singer reportedly said. When asked what he was looking for in a soulmate he allegedly replied “A great chef, a woman needs to know her way around the kitchen, and how to keep it clean along with the rest of the house. Is it a coincidence that since women started working jobs that society has deteriorated so much? I believe not. If women stayed at home like they're meant to then the world today would be more of a peaceful, loving place”.

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Beaullox horoscopes - April

Ah, welcome children, my name is Madame Beaullox. I have had many years of experience as a psychic and astrologer. I have been asked to write a monthly horoscope, exclusively for BYE!. So, come and read what the future holds for you, as told by some SANE woman, reading what will happen soon, based on some unproven ancient religion, which uses the power of some stars in the (extremely) vague shape of some big sky animals.



Aries – This month is very good! You will meet a good friend. You may also find a £5 note on the floor. If you don’t, your parents were lying about your birthday. You’re probably a bastard, and your mother’s a slut.

Taurus – you should catch one, you can find them in the safari zone; they’re quite rare though.

Gemini – this month you will find the love of your life. Things are looking up for you, lucky twat. Stay away from cheese graters though; they may hurt if used incorrectly.

Cancer – You’re screwed; even your star sign is named after something shit.

Leo – This month is a bad month for Leos, mainly if you have a nut allergy. If you are a Leo, I would advise staying away from any nuts, or nut based products – you may regret it.

Virgo – The spirits tell Madame Beaullox that being this star sign, you have a hugely high prospect of being amazingly sexy. This is what the spirits told me, they never lie. Apart from that time with the chicken and the thong, but they were a bit high then.

Libra – STAY IN DOORS. DO NOT LEAVE THE HOUSE. BARRACADE YOUR DOORS, DO NOT LET ANYONE IN. OH JESUS CHRIST, IT’S COMING, QUICK, RUN - AND DON’T LOOK BACK! GO, QUICK! Also, try to be more confident in your love life.

Scorpio – This month is a good month for celery. Go down to your local supermarket and buy one. Go out, get to know one another, and generally be good friends. Don’t let it go any further, however – celery are renowned for being terrible in bed. Do not let that huge penis convince you otherwise.

Sagittarius – This month is not looking good for you. On the other hand, it may be fine, or you won’t notice any difference. Act more confident… or don’t. Bend in the wind, but stay upright. Get support and be more independent.

Capricorn – This month is good for donating money to Madame Beaullox – if you do donate money, good things will definitely happen. The more you donate, the more sex, money and IQ you will have. On the other hand, if you decide not to give any money, you can just go fuck yourself.

Aquarius – It’s the dawning of a new age for you.

Pisces – Kill yourself.

Manuelgate reaches conclusion; Protesters get comeuppance

The saga that dominated all media formats for months has finally reached a conclusion when the BBC was fined £150,000 by Ofcom. The TV regulator pinpointed six failings in how the BBC handled the incident which occurred last October, sparking a record number of complaints among people that never even heard the radio show at all.

The deliciousness of the ruling comes when it is considered that the BBC gets its funding from the British public through the TV license, meaning the people who called Ofcom to complain will in fact be the ones footing part of the fine.

“We did this to try curb the amount of whining dicks that make up the British public, and hope by punishing them and the BBC in one swoop they might shut the hell up and quit being such over-sensitive pussies”, a spokesperson for Ofcom allegedly said.


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Hollywood Icon To Join Corrie?

An insider today has claimed that Coronation Street bosses have huge plans for a blockbuster storyline, and are hoping they plan tempt a Hollywood icon to join the cast for it. According to the anonymous source the plot will involve Gail Platt, played by Helen Worth, who will be visited by a long lost relative she never knew existed, who bosses hope will be played by none other than E.T.

The source went on to say "We here at Corrie are always trying to push the boundaries and break new ground in story telling and we hope to do this by adding an 80's Hollywood legend to the cast. Britain today is a multicultural society and Corrie reflects this, with Asian and Black characters living on the street and by adding an alien we're proving that we lead the way in reflecting modern society".

At present E.T.'s agent is refusing to confirm or deny the rumours. E.T. is best known for the smash hit E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial, a movie thought by some to be somewhat autobiographical. Since then his movie career has stumbled, and he was last seen making a cameo in the straight to video E.T. the Extra-Testicle, which was poorly received by critics. He has since stayed mostly out of the spotlight, making rare public appearances with "comedian" boyfriend Dane Cook. With Mickie Rourke recently reviving his career could another 80's star follow suit?


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