Have WE Got News For You!

In a world exclusive we here at BYE! can reveal that television comedy panel show regular and magazine editor Wayne Tislop (49), has been secretly leading a double life as a prostitute. This shocking secret was discovered when Tislop's wife became suspicious to her husband disappearing unexplained each Friday and Sunday night so she hired a private eye to learn more of his whereabouts.

The story was broke to us when the private eye provided us with photos showing the comic walking the street corners in a short black dress and a brown jacket and an 80's style large ginger wig. Soon after he was seen getting into a Austin Montego 2.0 GSI Estate. The private eye said to BYE! "When I took this case I certainly didn't expect to find this. Usually I find men hiring prostitutes when I follow them but this is the first case where the man IS the prostitute" When we tried to get in contact with Tislop his only reply was "Can't give feedback, really sorry."

The revelation will be no doubt extra embarrassing for Wayne, since just a few years previous he constantly mocked his former colleague and host of panel show "I Have Obtained Headlines For You" Ingus Beayton when it was revealed he spent a night with a prostitute. Rumours are already wild that the two have likely had relations but these are all so far unfounded. Allegedly.

In Other News

"A confused Jennifer Aniston waves for help after, for reasons unknown to her, she becomes blind in one eye."


"Amy Winehouse asks for her mummy after bigger boys run off with her favourite jumper."

Amanda Holden Has Gone Mad!

Famous actress and BGT judge Amanda 'the slag' Holden has isolated herself from the rest of the world, and what she thinks is reality.

Reasons for this are known - after taking an IQ test and scoring 3, an extrememly shocked Amanda was convinced her genius-like intelligence had left her. In an attempt to maintain the status quo, she has not changed out of her white tracksuit, instead choosing to become a recluse and block all contact.

Reasons why Amanda believed she was a genius are unknown. Psychologists hypothesise that the main reason for this would be her appearance. They believe her forehead led Amanda to assume that she had a large head, and in turn large brain (and high IQ).

It has now been five days, and Amanda has shown no signs of change. A witness described the state of her and her house:

"...She had not quite finished dressing, for she had but one shoe on — the other was on the table near her hand — her botox was half arranged, her watch and chain were not put on, and some lace for her bosom lay with those trinkets and with her handkerchief, and gloves, and some flowers, and a child's "How to read" book, all confusedly heaped about the looking-glass..."

Simon Cowell, whose identity we promised to keep secret, went on to say:

"...It was not in the first moments that I saw all these things, though I saw more of them in the first moments than might be supposed. But, I saw that everything within my view which ought to be white, had been white long ago, and had lost its luster, and was faded and yellow. I saw that the slag within the tracksuit had withered like the clothes she was wearing, and like the flowers, and had no brightness left but the brightness of her sunken eyes. I saw that the tracksuit had been put upon the rounded figure of a young woman, and that the figure upon which it now hung loose, had shrunk to skin and bone. I could only assume she was not wearing make-up. Once, I had been taken to see some ghastly wax-work at the Fair, representing I know not what impossible personage lying in state. Once, I had been taken to one of our old marsh churches to see a skeleton in the ashes of a rich dress, that had been dug out of a vault under the church pavement. Now wax-work and skeleton seemed to have dark eyes that moved and looked at me. I should have cried out, if I could..."

Amanda's spokesperson recently announced that Holden hates "everyone cleverer than her". Scientists predict she will not leave her house until the complete devolution of society.




In other news...


















Angelina Jolie announces she has a rare genetic condition that means her vagina and mouth have swapped location.

























Disaster averted in 'Star Wars - the musical' as replacement for the recently sacked Jabba actor is found.

Robbie Williams Clashes with PETA

Popular cheeky lad and occasional singer Robbie Williams is in hot water after being caught on camera punching a butterfly. The incident occurred when Williams called a press conference outside his home saying he had a major announcement. Before he could reveal what it was the former Take That member started to be bugged by a close flying butterfly so he adopted a John L. Sullivan pose before dropping the butterfly with one right cross.

The actions disgusted PETA, with member Peter Woodcock having this to say; "What Mr. Williams did was cruelty of the highest order. The man is now a murderer and should be locked up, and he better hopes he doesn't run into me anytime soon or I can guarantee that Mr. Williams will not be old before he dies. At the very least I hope he apologises soon."

In response the following statement was released by Robbie's agent; "My client called a press conference after learning that he could now lick his elbow for this month and wanted to share the moment with the world. A kind gesture I'm sure you'll agree. The moment, however was ruined when Robbie was ASSAULTED by the butterfly, and his reaction was self defense. I urge Mr. Woodcock to watch the footage again and I'm sure he'll see the butterfly headbutt Robbie first, and his response was a natural reflex action after being jumped upon. You'll get no apologies from here and any attempt at attacking my client will see Mr. Woodcock end up just like the butterfly"

In Other News

"The Beckham's battle to show the most torso while staying dressed is starting to cause some relationship tension."


"Celine Dion is shocked to see her everlasting gobstopper is starting to fuse with her lower lip."

Beaullox Horoscopes - July

Ah, welcome children, my name is Madame Beaullox. I have had many years of experience as a psychic and astrologer. I have been asked to write a monthly horoscope, exclusively for BYE!. So, come and read what the future holds for you, also would you like to buy some leprechaun smegma?



Aries: March 20 - April 20 – oh my. What a month! World domination is a good direction for you to take, I recommend you start your guinea pig army project.

Taurus: April 21 - May 21 - This month is good for fertility. So get lots of sex! Be a rabbit! Metaphorically I mean, not like some sort of fetish. Egg hunt, perhaps? Put your 'duracell' in her 'bunny'. Unless you have a normal battery, but duracells last much longer than those.

(I have a duracell)

Gemini: May 22 - June 21 - this month you will decide to send the link of a certain dying satirical gossip blog to all your friends, to save it, because you're awesome!

Cancer: June 22 - July 22 – Do NOT fight midgets. They will bite your testicles.

Leo: July 23 - August 23 – this month, you will meet true love. And possibly die.

Virgo: August 24 - September 23 – This is an awesome month for an awesome person! You will get plenty of sex and also you will win the nobel prize for finding the cure for Dane Cook.

Libra: September 24 - October 23 – this month some person will stalk you all day claiming to be your true love. I recommend you kill them.

Scorpio: October 24 - November 22 – this sign is bad for serial killers - if you do see a serial killer and are a Scorpio, you two are not compatible. Stay away. Although your stubbornness may blind you (aka. natural selection).

Sagittarius: November 23 - December 21 – this month, if you point out the fact that this horoscope article was late, you will die of bum AIDS.

Capricorn: December 22 - January 19 – This month you will get a great job! Prostitution. Not only do you get to work enjoying yourself, the customers are always friendly and you can work both outdoors and indoors. That's what you get for NOT listening to the people who say "never work with children or animals".

Aquarius: January 20 - February 18 – You can lick your elbow this month! Try it, go on.

Pisces: February 19 - March 19 – Yill kourself.

Death and salary

After almost fainting in a job involving Jeff Goldblum, The Grim Reaper (or 'The Angel formerly known as Death') claimed to be "overworked and underpaid".

In an interview with rival K.O. magazine, the reaper said "I used to work 23/7. Now I don't even get an hour - it's 24/7. People have suddenly started dying more. I don't know whether this is some kind of new fad or disease, but either way it's too hard." He went on to say "how much do you get paid? [I] get paid what is equivalent to £0. I deserve more salary!"

Why Death would want money is a mystery to us. When the interviewer did question this, he sadly, and suddenly died of a mysterious heart attack. Tragic.

Quite frankly, the Grim Reaper is greedy an dgnvoerun xc

...


We do apologise, unfortunately our writer has suddenly died of lung cancer. This was unexpected, since he did not smoke, nor did he even have lung cancer to begin with. We do apologise. New writer, Arthur Fiddlesbury IV (who by a strange coincidence shares his predecessor's name) will take over for now.



High competition has not decreased workload, just decreased income. The old conventional methods of scythe-to-back are over - new soul harvesting methods have come into existance in the 21st century, most notably in the form of giant, highly efficient inventions such as Big Brother (CH 4).

This is not the first death related controversy - earlier this year, Grim Reaper was caught on camera having an affair with singer Madonna (see here). Many people were offended and disgusted by his somewhat immoral actions, and suggested that he carry on with his job (killing people).


In other news...














After a super-glue accident, Bono is distraught that he cannot wear his silly glasses.












Cliff Richard shock at Wimbledon, after the singer misunderstands the need for some new balls on the court.