X factor ratings plummet

Shocking news this week, as ITV (aka ‘shITeV’) announced that its Saturday night flagship program, X-factor, was significantly losing the ratings battle. Reasons are thought to be due to Channel 5's new show, ‘Paint’, clashing with it.

Stephen Twatbags, a shITeV executive said "While we regret X factor is losing popularity, we will continue to cater fully to the core fanbase: middle aged housewives, gays and stupids." He then went also went on to announce another show virtually identical to Paint, apart from the name and Ant and Dec.

ShITeV are also denying reports the Simon Cowell has killed himself. "Just rumours" - so it's best not to get your hopes up at this point.

Of no relation to Microsoft's Neanderthal art program, Paint is a show all about paint - specifically the rate that it dries. Something about it clearly appeals to the British public.


In other news...



















Backstage scandal as Graham Norton is caught naked playing with his balls.

















Liam Gallagher does his famous ‘tosser impression’. Little effort required.

Beaullox Horoscopes - September.

Ah, welcome children, my name is Madame Beaullox. I have had many years of experience as a psychic and astrologer. I have been asked to write a monthly horoscope, exclusively for BYE!. If I write the horoscopes on time for the deadline, they let me out of my cage for the afternoon. Sweet sweet sunlight!



Aries: March 20 - April 20 – This is a good month to start learning how to fly. Take that first jump out of your nest and let the wind carry you. Note: May only apply to birds.

Taurus: April 21 - May 21 - Blahbluh bluhblahblah blah. BLAH. Blah blah blah blah blahblah blah blah blah bluhbluhblah! Bluheblah? BUBUBUBUBUBUUU BUBUBUBUBUBUB. Blubbity. Blahbluhablah.

Gemini: May 22 - June 21 - this month you will decide to send the link of a certain dying satirical gossip blog to all your friends, to save it, because you're awesome!

Cancer: June 22 - July 22 – Try reading the bible. Rethink your faith. You can become a better Christian. For starters, stop reading horoscopes, you heathen. JESUS, at least maintains some consistency.

Leo: July 23 - August 23 – Nothing will happen this month

Virgo: August 24 - September 23 – Try to be braver. Don't let the spirits scare you, stand up to them. Remember, they don't exist. They're just people in costumes trying to scare people away for their own gain. And remember to feed your dog.

Libra: September 24 - October 23 – if you like sausages, this is a good month to eat them. However, if you don't like sausages, don't bother.

Scorpio: October 24 - November 22 – You piece of shit, you don't deserve to be reading these horoscopes. You disgust me, I've seen more respectable fingernails than you. Hopefully soon you'll realise that nobody likes you and that they only talk to you because they're scared you'll kill them. You won't even do that, will you? Worthless cunt. Go on then, prove me wrong. Kill them. Go on. You can't, can you? Wuss.

Sagittarius: November 23 - December 21 – You're gay. Don't try to hide it.

Capricorn: December 22 - January 19 – This month you will disappoint many people after you explain you don't live at the end of the rainbow and hand out pots of gold, and that they must have misread.

Aquarius: January 20 - February 18 – Your friend will turn out to be gay.

Pisces: February 19 - March 19 – Live someone else.

Top 5 Tips To Look Good

Hello there boys and girls, it's me again Aunty Fat Fight, that's right the person you're Mum warned you about.

Today, I'm going to give you my top 5 tips on looking good so let's start with number 5 shall we?

5. Get plastic surgery.

4. Lose weight fatty.

3. Become bulimic, vomiting tastes good honestly!

2. Wear slut like clothes, preferably ones that show off your little A cup tits!

1. Be less ugly and stop sleeping will all the boys down your road trying to get pregnant, we all know you're ovaries don't work so stop trying bitch! Also that Jake Harrison is mine bitch!

That's all for my top tips on looking good, I'll be back with my top 5 hints to avoid Homosexuals!

Twit's Tit/Twat Tweet Tiff

X Factor will soon to return to our screens and already there appears to be a feud brewing between the female judges Cheryl Cole and Danni Minogue. The row reached the public from a twitter post by Cheryl, who had this to say: "back on screen soon wit dat fake boobed, open legd Aussie fool. Hurray!". While nobody was named it seems pretty clear the post targets Danni, who as of yet has not responded.

When asked about the post a shocked Cheryl tried to downplay the tweet. "Woh lad. Ho'way!? Someone's obviously been hackin' intay me account. I divint do it like! Do I even have a twitta page, lass? It's a fake, alreet? Danni's a pet. I'd ne'er banter aboot her like that like, even though it's true. I mean... ah shite..."

The tweet is bound to cause friction between the pair in the new series, which is said to involve contestants with such sob stories as a man who has five testicles that are constantly banging together á la newton's cradle causing great pain but a sweet falsetto sound and a granny who had her eyes glued closed during the war.

In Other News

Peter Andre reacts to being told he can fight Alex Reid for Jordan.


Lily Allen gets up close an personal with fans at an intimate gig.

Katona SACKED!!!!

You heard it here first ladies and gentlemen that the face of Fat Stupid Women Unite Kerry Katona has been sacked.
The reason for the sacking is rumoured to be that she ate a small child whilst filming a new commercial.

Her publicist Richard Cummings released this statement: "Far be it for me to accuse Miss Katona of being a fat stupid bitch, but let's be honest here, that is what she is!".

Kerry was also the face of some low rent "Supermarket" here in the UK, she's been sacked from that too.
Kerry is yet to make a speech, one assumes she is stuffing her big fat face full of shit!

Mum's who shop at the supermarket are disgusted with the news and are boycotting the supermarket until they replace Kerry with someone who is equally as fat and as stupid!

We here at BYE! have learnt that the next face of the Supermarket and Fat Women Unite will be welsh whale Charlotte Church! Mum's, I do hope this is good enough.

If you want your say on this story, write on a piece of paper and post to our address. To do this, simply take the piece of paper and put it into any waste bin that you see on your travels, and we promise it will reach us.



In other news....

As the X Factor returns, Simon Cowell can no longer stand Dannii Minogue's awful voice.

and

Miley Cyrus is seen outside after being arrested for stalking one of the Jonas Brothers.

"NO!" Says America

American's such as Tom Cruise and an employee of Dairy Queen have been joining protests to stop the Government giving away free Toothpaste.
Actor and Director Mel Gibson gave us his verdict on the new Government policy: "As a far right kind of guy that I am I do not need to be given free toothpaste. In fact I don't use toothpaste, my hatred of blacks and Jews keeps my teeth sparkling white".

The President has been urging people that free toothpaste is a great idea as it will keep American's teeth white and healthy, it will also help poorer families afford basic dental care.
Rich right wing republicans have been opposing the idea saying that the money could be used to fund the army to kill innocent people in foreign countries.

Dentist and pro fee toothpaste campaigner Jeffrey Clarke wanted his say on this matter: "American's who oppose such an idea are not stupid but they are ignorant. I can see why republicans oppose the idea, they have shit teeth".

More on this news as it breaks

Aunty Fat Fight's Top 10 Tips To Stay Slim this Summer

Hello there fatties I mean readers, looking for some great ways to stay thin this summer?
Is your bikini getting eaten by your arse? Are the people at work laughing at you? Good because you probably deserve it you fat shit, but despair not Aunty Fat Fight is here to help you lose those stones that you've put on over the years.

Here's my top ten count down.

10. Oh look it's a McDonalds, you want some don't you? That's 10 lashings for being tempted you fat bitch.

9. Use the Gym, it's there. Unless of course you are so fat that you can't stand under your own weight, in which case I highly suggest you kill yourself.

8. Look what I have here, a doggy treat. You want one don't you? You sicken me!

7. Liposuction could be a good idea for you, if you can't be fucked to exercise yourself because you're a lazy shit.

6. Chase after that ice cream van that drives through your road, that will help shed a few pounds.

5. We're half way there.

4. Ask the local kids to roll you down a hill.

3. This doughnut is delicious, oh sorry. Ahem, try swimming but beware the pool may be evacuated because you will be confused for a whale.

2. Do some push ups if that fails just try getting out of bed.

1. If none of these tips help, kill yourself, seriously there's no other hope for you.

I hope you have found my top ten tips helpful, I'll be back soon with some more great health tips just for you BYE! readers.

BYE! Economy (New Feature)

As we all know, the economy has hit the pan and no one is helping it get better.
In fact the economy is so ill, it has been suspected that it may have Swine Flu.

This new feature (which will be monthly) will focus on the economy and it's slow slow slow recovery back to good health, after it's had some soup and a lie down.

(This is what the economy may look like)

At this present moment in time we know that the Dollar is weak against the Pound so the Pound is taking advantage of this situation and is beating it up (coward).
The Euro € has been hiding behind a cupboard somewhere and refuses to come out until it is offered some milk and cookies, however if it keeps being naughty it will go to bed early with no supper!

Gerald Greene head investment specialist for a major bank had this to say: "To be fair, two of the banks are fucked let's be honest. If people think we're going to be okay, they're mad really mad. They're as mad as the wankers running the country."

But is it all doom and gloom? Yes, yes it is unless you're Barclays or HSBC. Two of the only banks not to have been caught stealing money from some old blind pensioner.

Leading Economist Susan Mckain (yes she's a woman) gave us this: "I'm optimistic, optimistic like a baby who has lost it's favourite toy. If I can't find it Mummy will buy me a new one, this annalogy can be used to describe the economy. Basically if we lose it, someone's Mummy will replace it with a new one."

The Footsie 100 closed 25% down from the same time 2 hours ago closing at 6666 points, coincidence or just a random number?

Since the economy collapsed under it's own big fat swine flu obese self, quite a few people have lost their jobs and the UK is starting to suffer.

"If the economy does in fact have swine flu, what's to stop it spreading to the stock exchanges? You could see a mass epidemic of Stock exchanges going off sick from work for a maximum of 7 days. I'm not sure that we can cope that long" explained Dr. Timothy Neil head flu expert at some hospital somewhere.

People claiming benefits has risen since the start of the year and that is expected to rise thanks to employers spending their money on strippers and helicopters instead of investing it.

What is the next big step for the economy? More lending, more investing or even printing more money? No, it's a strict diet and weekly sessions at the gym once it has gotten over Swine flu but for now it will have a nice warm blanket and some chicken soup to keep it's strength up.

Chadwell Tightbottom had the pleasure of interviewing the economy's father; Alister Darling and he wanted to know a few things.

Chadwell Tightbottom: Has the economy got Swine Flu?
Alister Darling: It has, it's very tragic.

CT: Will it pull through okay?
AD: I do hope so

CT: What are you doing to make sure it is going to live?
AD: "Warm blanket, hot soup you know the usual"

CT:: Alister tell us, are you a really a badger?
AD: No comment

CT: You ever touch Gordon?
AD: Only in my head.

CT: Alister what are you doing to keep the country stable until the economy recovers?
AD: Well Chadwell I'm going to ensure that everyone does their part and that everyone prays we pull through this.

CT: Thank you Mr. Darling you've been a erm, you've been great.
AD: Thanks, pleasure to be here. Where's the exit again?

More on the economy and it's ill health next month.

Racist Gibson Finds Something New To Hate

We here at BYE! often get told about exciting and exclusive news stories but nothing could be more exciting as this article.

Full time racist, sexist and occasional movie Director Mel Gibson has found himself something new to hate. What more could he possibly hate I hear you ask!?
We here at BYE! have learnt that Mr Gibson now hates People who wear Tee-Shirts with words on them.

We caught up with Pro Words On Shirts CEO Sandra Wilson and she had this to say: "...Yeah you can hate Jews and Blacks all you want but you cross a fine line when you start hating on people who wear shirts with words on them...".
Strong words there, but does she have a point?

Bellow is a Tee-Shirt Gibson might hate.

Rabbi Jebediah Schwartz had this to add: "...I've never really watched a Mel Gibson movie nor do I know much about him and his life, in fact I'm not even sure what this interview is about. Sorry, did you say something about shirts and words? I don't wear tee-shirts, can you leave now please, I have work to do..."

We know that Gibson has been going to high street outlets such as Macee's and tearing up all of the shirts that have words on them.
A shopper who was in the store at the time gave us this quick interview: "...I always knew Gibson was a shit but I didn't realise he was this much of a shit, fucking dick...".

Gibson's latest movie can probably be found in a landfill site near you somewhere.




In other news....

Chris Martin proves he is still un-cool by kidnapping a baby, that is white.






Jim Davidson is still a twat.

New Zoo Manager Causes a Storm

BYE! Has learnt of this world exclusive shocking news story that full time serial killer, part time homosexual Dennis Nilson, has become the brand new manager of a London based Zoo after his quick and silent release from prison.

Dennis was ushered in as manger by the Zoo in a silent ceremony, the Zoo said Dennis was chosen to and we quote "keep him out of trouble".

We managed to quickly get a very brief interview with the ex serial killer and we asked him about his new role. "... I used to own 15 ties, now I just wear a clip on...".
Detective Chief Inspector Peter Jay said of the move, "What, they let the sick bastard out of jail!?"

Dennis has been confined to an office in the Zoo where there is a bed and an oven but he has to use the public toilets to clean himself and wash up.

The public have been protesting ever since the news broke, with one protester going as far to say "...I've never been to that Zoo nor have I ever heard of Dennis but I am certainly not going there now...". When questioned as to why he was participating in the protest he simply came back with "Everyone else was doing it, and I didn't want to be left out".

Such is the behaviour of protesters that they even tried setting fire to an Elephant in the Zoo out of protest.
We questioned one zoo keeper about the incident: "You know, I get paid the same whether my boss is Dennis Nilson or Chris Eubank. I think setting fire to an elephant isn't going to solve anything. In fact it will probably make matters worse."

A documentary looking at Dennis as the new Manager of the Zoo will be broadcast on Channel 5 on August 26th at 9pm.




In other news....

"Steven Spielberg reveals truth about himself"

"Leona Lewis plays with herself whilst looking at pasty white man"

Pompous Chris Eubank Opts for Sex Change

We have learnt here at BYE! that pompous arsehole and occasional boxer Chris Eubank is hitting the surgeons table for a sex change.

This world exclusive story was revealed after our front line reporter accidentally dialled the wrong number whilst ordering his favourite pizza from a popular pizza restaurant.

Recent rumours had been circulating that he was having dental surgery done, this however was a sick lie started by a rival and more popular tabloid newspaper.

What has prompted Eubank to take on this sex change? People who know him claim it is due to his Lordship of Brighton title (a heavily visited homosexual dance beach in the district of East Sussex).

Eubank himself has still yet to comment but a close aid of his did have this to say: " I think it started at a young age for Eubank, always wanting to deal the big blow the heavy punch ya know? I think he has always known he has been a little fairy stuck in a moderately sized man's body. I think it's great he's doing this and I know the surgeon is going to do a knock out job".

Boxing legend and rival Mick Tyrone wanted nothing to do with this article and stated he hated Mr Eubank and hopes he dies on the operating table.

Chris Eubank once appeared on Big Brother as a so-called celebrity dressed in a pink leotard prompting rumours that Chris was in fact a little girl.
His short and unwatched stint on Celebrity Big Brother made Chris realise that as a man no one liked him nor took him seriously, he did attempt suicide but this failed after the chain on his Monocle broke and he fell 1ft to the floor below him.

Chris' sex change can be watched live on a channel 5 exclusive programme due to be shown in the coming weeks.

In other news.....

"Lindsay Lohan auditions kids she wants to adopt for a new Fox reality TV show"





"Anna Kournikova and Enrique Igelsias regret their superglue experiment"

Beaullox Horoscopes - August

Ah, welcome children, my name is Madame Beaullox. I have had many years of experience as a psychic and astrologer. I have been asked to write a monthly horoscope, exclusively for BYE!. So, come and read what the future holds for you, also fancy a visit behind the bike shed?

Aries: March 20 - April 20 – If you've been hesitant about making that big purchase, hold off for another couple of days. Remember your moon is in Sagittarius not the time for reckless spending

Taurus: April 21 - May 21 - if you're a Taurus, see a florist

Gemini: May 22 - June 21 - If you're a Gemini like me, you can expect the unexpected

Cancer: June 22 - July 22 – There's not much hope for you this month, your parents will probably divorce and your life partner will announce a change in sexuality.

Leo: July 23 - August 23 – Now's a good time to pull the plug on that life support machine that's been keeping your daughter alive for the past six months

Virgo: August 24 - September 23 – You can expect an untimely death or a tragic dismemberment for someone very close to you.

Libra: September 24 - October 23 – Everyone at work will look at you funny, don't worry it has nothing to do with that sex tape that your ex girlfriend leaked all over the internet.

Scorpio: October 24 - November 22 – As the days grow shorter and the nights longer I recommend you hang around dark alley ways, you never know you might meet someone nice.

Sagittarius: November 23 - December 21 – Remember that picture you found in your dads wardrobe of him naked? Now's the time to blackmail him to buy you that pony you've always wanted. But beware, he may blackmail you about that time he caught you masturbating.

Capricorn: December 22 - January 19 – This month you can expect a fantastic job promotion from tea boy to mail boy. If you ask your boss nicely they may sleep with you, it won't guarantee you a promotion but at least you can lose your virginity at last.

Aquarius: January 20 - February 18 – You can epexct to drown in a freak fishing accident, don't say I didn't warn you.

Pisces: February 19 - March 19 – Kill yourself.

Have WE Got News For You!

In a world exclusive we here at BYE! can reveal that television comedy panel show regular and magazine editor Wayne Tislop (49), has been secretly leading a double life as a prostitute. This shocking secret was discovered when Tislop's wife became suspicious to her husband disappearing unexplained each Friday and Sunday night so she hired a private eye to learn more of his whereabouts.

The story was broke to us when the private eye provided us with photos showing the comic walking the street corners in a short black dress and a brown jacket and an 80's style large ginger wig. Soon after he was seen getting into a Austin Montego 2.0 GSI Estate. The private eye said to BYE! "When I took this case I certainly didn't expect to find this. Usually I find men hiring prostitutes when I follow them but this is the first case where the man IS the prostitute" When we tried to get in contact with Tislop his only reply was "Can't give feedback, really sorry."

The revelation will be no doubt extra embarrassing for Wayne, since just a few years previous he constantly mocked his former colleague and host of panel show "I Have Obtained Headlines For You" Ingus Beayton when it was revealed he spent a night with a prostitute. Rumours are already wild that the two have likely had relations but these are all so far unfounded. Allegedly.

In Other News

"A confused Jennifer Aniston waves for help after, for reasons unknown to her, she becomes blind in one eye."


"Amy Winehouse asks for her mummy after bigger boys run off with her favourite jumper."

Amanda Holden Has Gone Mad!

Famous actress and BGT judge Amanda 'the slag' Holden has isolated herself from the rest of the world, and what she thinks is reality.

Reasons for this are known - after taking an IQ test and scoring 3, an extrememly shocked Amanda was convinced her genius-like intelligence had left her. In an attempt to maintain the status quo, she has not changed out of her white tracksuit, instead choosing to become a recluse and block all contact.

Reasons why Amanda believed she was a genius are unknown. Psychologists hypothesise that the main reason for this would be her appearance. They believe her forehead led Amanda to assume that she had a large head, and in turn large brain (and high IQ).

It has now been five days, and Amanda has shown no signs of change. A witness described the state of her and her house:

"...She had not quite finished dressing, for she had but one shoe on — the other was on the table near her hand — her botox was half arranged, her watch and chain were not put on, and some lace for her bosom lay with those trinkets and with her handkerchief, and gloves, and some flowers, and a child's "How to read" book, all confusedly heaped about the looking-glass..."

Simon Cowell, whose identity we promised to keep secret, went on to say:

"...It was not in the first moments that I saw all these things, though I saw more of them in the first moments than might be supposed. But, I saw that everything within my view which ought to be white, had been white long ago, and had lost its luster, and was faded and yellow. I saw that the slag within the tracksuit had withered like the clothes she was wearing, and like the flowers, and had no brightness left but the brightness of her sunken eyes. I saw that the tracksuit had been put upon the rounded figure of a young woman, and that the figure upon which it now hung loose, had shrunk to skin and bone. I could only assume she was not wearing make-up. Once, I had been taken to see some ghastly wax-work at the Fair, representing I know not what impossible personage lying in state. Once, I had been taken to one of our old marsh churches to see a skeleton in the ashes of a rich dress, that had been dug out of a vault under the church pavement. Now wax-work and skeleton seemed to have dark eyes that moved and looked at me. I should have cried out, if I could..."

Amanda's spokesperson recently announced that Holden hates "everyone cleverer than her". Scientists predict she will not leave her house until the complete devolution of society.




In other news...


















Angelina Jolie announces she has a rare genetic condition that means her vagina and mouth have swapped location.

























Disaster averted in 'Star Wars - the musical' as replacement for the recently sacked Jabba actor is found.

Robbie Williams Clashes with PETA

Popular cheeky lad and occasional singer Robbie Williams is in hot water after being caught on camera punching a butterfly. The incident occurred when Williams called a press conference outside his home saying he had a major announcement. Before he could reveal what it was the former Take That member started to be bugged by a close flying butterfly so he adopted a John L. Sullivan pose before dropping the butterfly with one right cross.

The actions disgusted PETA, with member Peter Woodcock having this to say; "What Mr. Williams did was cruelty of the highest order. The man is now a murderer and should be locked up, and he better hopes he doesn't run into me anytime soon or I can guarantee that Mr. Williams will not be old before he dies. At the very least I hope he apologises soon."

In response the following statement was released by Robbie's agent; "My client called a press conference after learning that he could now lick his elbow for this month and wanted to share the moment with the world. A kind gesture I'm sure you'll agree. The moment, however was ruined when Robbie was ASSAULTED by the butterfly, and his reaction was self defense. I urge Mr. Woodcock to watch the footage again and I'm sure he'll see the butterfly headbutt Robbie first, and his response was a natural reflex action after being jumped upon. You'll get no apologies from here and any attempt at attacking my client will see Mr. Woodcock end up just like the butterfly"

In Other News

"The Beckham's battle to show the most torso while staying dressed is starting to cause some relationship tension."


"Celine Dion is shocked to see her everlasting gobstopper is starting to fuse with her lower lip."

Beaullox Horoscopes - July

Ah, welcome children, my name is Madame Beaullox. I have had many years of experience as a psychic and astrologer. I have been asked to write a monthly horoscope, exclusively for BYE!. So, come and read what the future holds for you, also would you like to buy some leprechaun smegma?



Aries: March 20 - April 20 – oh my. What a month! World domination is a good direction for you to take, I recommend you start your guinea pig army project.

Taurus: April 21 - May 21 - This month is good for fertility. So get lots of sex! Be a rabbit! Metaphorically I mean, not like some sort of fetish. Egg hunt, perhaps? Put your 'duracell' in her 'bunny'. Unless you have a normal battery, but duracells last much longer than those.

(I have a duracell)

Gemini: May 22 - June 21 - this month you will decide to send the link of a certain dying satirical gossip blog to all your friends, to save it, because you're awesome!

Cancer: June 22 - July 22 – Do NOT fight midgets. They will bite your testicles.

Leo: July 23 - August 23 – this month, you will meet true love. And possibly die.

Virgo: August 24 - September 23 – This is an awesome month for an awesome person! You will get plenty of sex and also you will win the nobel prize for finding the cure for Dane Cook.

Libra: September 24 - October 23 – this month some person will stalk you all day claiming to be your true love. I recommend you kill them.

Scorpio: October 24 - November 22 – this sign is bad for serial killers - if you do see a serial killer and are a Scorpio, you two are not compatible. Stay away. Although your stubbornness may blind you (aka. natural selection).

Sagittarius: November 23 - December 21 – this month, if you point out the fact that this horoscope article was late, you will die of bum AIDS.

Capricorn: December 22 - January 19 – This month you will get a great job! Prostitution. Not only do you get to work enjoying yourself, the customers are always friendly and you can work both outdoors and indoors. That's what you get for NOT listening to the people who say "never work with children or animals".

Aquarius: January 20 - February 18 – You can lick your elbow this month! Try it, go on.

Pisces: February 19 - March 19 – Yill kourself.

Death and salary

After almost fainting in a job involving Jeff Goldblum, The Grim Reaper (or 'The Angel formerly known as Death') claimed to be "overworked and underpaid".

In an interview with rival K.O. magazine, the reaper said "I used to work 23/7. Now I don't even get an hour - it's 24/7. People have suddenly started dying more. I don't know whether this is some kind of new fad or disease, but either way it's too hard." He went on to say "how much do you get paid? [I] get paid what is equivalent to £0. I deserve more salary!"

Why Death would want money is a mystery to us. When the interviewer did question this, he sadly, and suddenly died of a mysterious heart attack. Tragic.

Quite frankly, the Grim Reaper is greedy an dgnvoerun xc

...


We do apologise, unfortunately our writer has suddenly died of lung cancer. This was unexpected, since he did not smoke, nor did he even have lung cancer to begin with. We do apologise. New writer, Arthur Fiddlesbury IV (who by a strange coincidence shares his predecessor's name) will take over for now.



High competition has not decreased workload, just decreased income. The old conventional methods of scythe-to-back are over - new soul harvesting methods have come into existance in the 21st century, most notably in the form of giant, highly efficient inventions such as Big Brother (CH 4).

This is not the first death related controversy - earlier this year, Grim Reaper was caught on camera having an affair with singer Madonna (see here). Many people were offended and disgusted by his somewhat immoral actions, and suggested that he carry on with his job (killing people).


In other news...














After a super-glue accident, Bono is distraught that he cannot wear his silly glasses.












Cliff Richard shock at Wimbledon, after the singer misunderstands the need for some new balls on the court.

Sad News

We regret to inform our loyal readers that BYE! writer, and Big Brother reporter, Arthur Fiddlesbury III passed away at 1.00 am GMT. Doctors say after being rushed to hospital, Arthur slipped into a deep coma, and died soon after. Police say Arthur was knocked unconscious by Lady GaGa, who we now know was jealous of him for winning the "sexiest man alive" award.

We at BYE! will sorely miss Arthur Fiddlesbury. He was a man full of emotions. He made us laugh. He made us cry. He mainly made us cry. We offer our condolences to his family and pets.

However, Aruther's loss is our gain. His adopted/stolen son Arthur has decided to follow in his father's footsteps and write articles for BYE!. Unfortunately, this means no more regular Big Brother reports on BYE!.

REST IN PISS
Arthur James Fiddlesbury III
5th April 2009-27th June 2009

Please leave your thoughts and goodbyes for Arthur in the comment section below the article

In other news...
























This person died...


















...and so did this guy.


But they don't matter as much as Arthur.

BYE! Exclusive: Arthur Fiddlesbury III Attacked

We here at BYE! are saddened to report that that Arthur Fiddlesbury III is currently in hospital after being punched by Lady Gaga at an awards show. As of yet we have no further details on the condition of the celebrity blogger, who was due to collect and award for being voted World's sexiest man. It is believed Lady Gaga was furious about an article written about her by Fiddlesbury III and in a drunken rage punched him, with such force that even guest award presenter Mike Tyson was said to have flinched, before being escorted out by security before being arrested. She was also reported to have shouted "And that award should have gone to me too" as she left.

The attack comes days after lowlife celebrity botherer Perez Hilton was rightly punched by Polo Molina, the manager for the popular group The Black Eyed Peas. Unlike Arthur, Perez is widely hated and news of his attack brought great joy. Unfortunately tonight emotions are the opposite. We will be sure to be first to bring you any updated news on the status of Arthur Fiddlesbury III and we at BYE! all wish him the best.

World's Sexiest People Results Announced

A poll conducted to find who the public think are the sexiest people in the world had it's findings released today exclusive to BYE!. Scottish songstress Susan Boyle once again had to settle for the runner up spot, finishing behind Barbara Streisand on the female list. One Foot In The Grave star and Evening Standard British Film Best Actress Award winner for 1977 Annette Crosbie rounded out the top three.

The news will no doubt come as another blow to the fragile Boyle, who is already struggling to deal with the pressure of her second place result on Britain's Got Talent. A source close to the high profile star revealed to us here at BYE! that Susan is most upset she didn't win the tv show not because of the chance to play on front of the Royal family, who she speaks about in a less than complimentary manner, but because she thinks that had she won people would soon leave her alone and forget about her again, as is the case with the winners of the show whoever they were.

As for the male results there was little surprise when BYE! contributor Arthur Fiddlesbury III topped the poll for the sixth year in a row. Unsurprisingly, when asked how he felt about the result, the modest writer just said "Unsurprised." He finished well ahead of actors Emilio Estevez and Joe Pesci, who finished second and third repectivly.

In Other News


"Simon Cowell's insults hit an all time low"


"Shia LaBeouf pictured at the premiere for the new Transformers film."

Big Brother update (19/06/09)

Ah yes, it has been a while since the last update. And for good reason - we wanted to see how things played out before we, at BYE! gave our professional opinions on the matter (FUCK OFF THAT'S THE REASON).

Let's start with the biggest news - 2 new evictions! Both Arthur and Sarah have left. This leaves a big scar in the house - poor John and Q2E-FT5-99999 have lost their best friends. Who knows what will happen now? Will John and Q2E-FT5-99999 finally put their racial differences (as shown last week when John called Q2E a "metal-skinned fuck"; to which he replied John was a "01000011010101010100111001010100")

Arthur left by surprise eviction on monday last week, where as Sarah got kicked out after smuggling pencils in her anus. We aren't sure why she bothered, since pencils are supplied. Maybe one day we will find out.

What else has happened? Well our good friend (by that I mean "bad acquaintance") Rainforest Humps has found love! After noticing a small spider in the kitchen, Rainforest fell in love straight away. In the Diary Room, Rainforest confessed their plans to get married to 'Bill' when the show is over. We wish them good luck.

What else? Not much else. But Bruce did attempt to eat Edna's Sherrywinkle...which she did not approve of. OAPs, eh? Don't appreciate cannibalism. Who knows what may happen.

And that's about all that happened (aside from the knifing) since last time. It's looking to be a fun BB this year. Will it maintain its quality? Only if I actually write this reguarly, and when I'm not tired and have actually decided on a story arc. AHEM, uhh I mean "Who knows?"

Exclusive Interview With Simone Simone

We here at BYE! are delighted to being you an interview with the first housemate evicted from Big Brother, Simone Simone.



Shadwell Bloopants: Simone, how surprised were you over your surprise eviction that surprisingly happened last Wednesday?
Simone Simone: Not at all. My psychic powers told me that it was going to happen. In the exact moment. In the exact same way.

SB: Your psychic powers seemed to fail you when you entered the house, with your disgust at the house in face being a disused brothel with gloryholes. Why did that upset you so much?
SS: The spirits had lied to me.

SB: The challenge that got you evicted was a crazy one. What was going through your mind during the challenge?
SS: Mainly blood.

SB: Who were your friends and enemies in the house?
SS:Friends? I had none. They were all idiots. And racists. Especially spider-man.

SB: Really? Tell us more.
SS: He once tried to step on Harry for having grey fur.

SB: You mentioned to Bruce about camels hating you, before you broke down into tears. What's the whole story behind you and camels?
SS:My step-father was a camel. When my mother was out of the house, he would molest me. It was an ordeal. But I pulled through. But then when I was older, I swore on my life that each and every camel would be slain. By my hands. Or gun.

SB: Since you weren't in the house long we didn't get to know you well. Tell us more about the person that is Simone Simone.
SS: Well I was born and raised in Edinburgh... my interests include cats, philosophy, politics, swimming and lightsabers. I'm quite a friendly person... but people get scared by my name and run off. I'm very sad.

SB: Being the first booted out of the house can't be helping your sadness.
SS: I didn't mind. I already knew. Psychic powers, see?

SB: But of course. What's the current status in your love life?
SS: I love life.

SB: Will you continue to watch Big Brother this year?
SS: Will I watch what?

SB: The tv show you just appeared on.
SS: Wait... I was on TV?

SB: You sure were. What did you think was happening?
SS: Why are you asking me these questions?

SB: Because the wonderful readers of BYE! are Big Brother fans and want to learn more about the housemates.
SS: Oh... I'm cold... can I go home now? Please.

SB:Sure. Enjoy your photoshoot with Nuts Magazine before fading back into obscurity and thanks for your time.
SS: Bye bye BYE!

Big Brother update (11/06/09)

Oh my. What an exciting week it's been in the BB dungeon. First of all, Harry attempted to kill Edna after an argument about socks (where he was hiding that battle-axe we may never know), secondly two members have fallen in love (Arthur and Spider-man) but most exciting of all - a surprise eviction! After losing a challenge involving arsenic, sausages, penetration and an Alsation, Simone Simone has had to leave on wednesday night! Lucky bitch(?) Keep watching BYE! for an exclusive interview with Simone, the first Big Brother evictee.

In other activity, Harry took a shit, Jeremy took a nap and Steph tried to lick her own anus. And failed. While severely damaging her spine. Causing instant paralysis. So now most of the footage of her will involve her just lying around doing nothing of interest... we may not notice a difference between her and the other contestants.

Who knows what drama may grow from the relationships between the competitors? God does. And he won't tell me, the prick.

Bill Cosby In Air Rage Scandal!

Iconic comedian and actor Bill Cosby is out on bail after an alleged incident that took place in the air last night. It is claimed that Cosby, 71, became extremely upset after overhearing a conversation between a mother and child on the flight to Los Angeles and that he became verbally and physically abusive towards the boy.

A passenger on board, James B. Snatchwood, gave his account of what happened exclusively to BYE!. "I was sitting opposite the mother and child who were talking about what to eat when they got home. She asked her son if he wanted some Jell-o Pudding, and he said ewww, no. Bill, who was sitting in the seat directly on front of them, turned around and started shouting at the child. He was too worked up to understand everything he said but he was obviously very angry. He was shouting about Jell-o then remarked that kids do not say the funniest things, that he does and he's the greatest comedian that ever lived."

James continued, "He was taking all his anger out on the visibly distressed child and he was completely ignoring the crew's efforts to calm him down. When it looked like he was finished, BAM, he punches the kid in the face. At this point he's tackled by the air hostesses and restrained until we landed."

Cosby, who famously starred in adverts for Jell-o products, has yet to comment on the incident. He is expected to face trial sometime next week where he could face possible jail time, although being such a well known and loved public figure it is felt he will most likely just face a fine before the incident is quickly dropped from the headlines.

In Other News


"A recent public appearance by Dane Cook has resulted in the largest increase of gun sales in history"


"Eddie Murphy is confused when told his finger gun wont work on Cook"

Big Brother update (06/06/09)

The housemates were shocked to find out that the New Big Brother house was actually just a disused brothel with gloryholes instead of cameras. Some mixed reactions: Edna, Arthur and Simone were repulsed, Sarah and John were elated, Bruce said he was "bonzer" (whatever that is), whereas Steph was angry (because Spider-man trod on her toe), Q2E-FT5-99999 was completely devoid of all emotion and Jeremy was confused, presumably because the sedative was starting to wear off.

The housemates seemed to warm to each other particularly well. Notably, Harry and Spider-man seemed to find similar interests and get on very well. However, rivalries soon formed: Rainforest and John quickly got into a dispute over whether women have penises or not.

Overall, an interesting start to this year's series. Let's hope that this time we will have more than one suicide.

BYE! - BIG BROTHER SPECIAL (intro)

Oh god it's that important event! It has been heavily advertised, it involves voting and greatly effects our lives... wait, what European elections? Fuck that. I believe I was referring to the new series of Big Brother! How positively exciting.

Here is an exclusive BYE! section made especially for the new series of BB. Keep checking back regularly for new updates on the show. Here we will introduce the newest contestants.















Name: Angela Diddlesbum
Age: 23
Gender: F
Info: Optimist. Pretty. Bubbly personality. Average intelligence. Loved by all. Known serial killer.












Name: Steven Jonatiple
Age: 67
Gender: M
Info: Fought in the war. Has dementia. Thinks he is still in the war.










Name: Rainforest Humps
Age: 45
Gender: M
Info: Hippie. Dull. American. Dislikeable. Has been known to penetrate voles.










Name: Steph Spigglesweed
Age: 34
Gender: F
Info: Pornstar. First known woman ever to be anally penetrated with a politician's head while riding a unicycle. And survive.













Name: Spider-man
Age: ??
Gender: M
Info: Superhuman strength stamina, speed, agility, reflexes, durability and equilibrium. Web slinging Precognitive spider sense. Ability to cling to most surfaces. Makes a mean omelette.










Name: John Rafferty
Age: 0.45
Gender: M
Info: Likes to suck nipples and shit himself.













Name: Sarah Dooblinger
Age: 36
Gender: ??
Info: Transexual. Used to be a man. Who used to be a woman. Who used to be a man. etc. Original species unknown. Is a Nazi.










Name: Jayne Willisworth
Age: 27
Gender: F
Info: Fat. Ugly. Whiney. Claims to be able to fly. Has yet to be proven.











Name: Harry (surname unknown)
Age: 2
Gender: M
Info: Likes to eat cheese.













Name: Count Arthur Ramsyourbottom
Age: 19
Gender: M
Info: Likes to eat cheese.













Name: Jeremy Kyle
Age: 43
Gender: M
Info: Scumbag in general. Enjoys goading ugly people with family issues to shout a lot.













Name: Dani Bibblesworth
Age: 21
Gender: F
Info: Former heron addict. Recently came out of rehab to kick her bird problem.












Name: Edna Sherrywinkle
Age: 89
Gender: F
Info: Loving grandmother. Kind. Old. May die.











Name: Q2E-FT5-99999
Age: X
Gender: N/A
Info: Made of metal. Enojoys cleaning, extermination and time travel.










Name: Bruce Koala
Age: 30
Gender: M
Info: Australian. Commands an army of wildlife. Is stereotypical. Likes reading Jane Austin novels.












Name: Simone Simone
Age: 17
Gender: F
Info: Scares people with her double name. Nice sense of humour. Has been known to nibble peoples' eyelashes. Hated by camels.



Is it going to be a good year? We don't know, we aren't psychic here at BYE!, but we think this may be fun. Keep watching!

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