Beaullox Horoscopes - May

Ah, welcome children, my name is Madame Beaullox. I have had many years of experience as a psychic and astrologer. I have been asked to write a monthly horoscope, exclusively for BYE!. So, come and read what the future holds for you, by listening to my bullshit. To be honest, you'd be better off guessing.

Aries: March 20 - April 20 – Now would be a good time to start a relationship. And it’s about time. Loser. Get a fucking girlfriend.

Taurus: April 21 - May 21 – The stars tell me arsenic is a tasty beverage for those born under the sign of Taurus. Drink it you fool! DRINK IT NOW!

Gemini: May 22 - June 21 – This month will be crap for you… You will be mugged by a man in tights and a balaclava… your house will set on fire… and you will catch syphilis. Not to mention the high amounts of manure you will accidentally tread in while walking to work.

Cancer: June 22 - July 22 – This month very successful for you. Keep up your hero work! That woman you saved last week was so happy she was crying. However, try to ignore the voices in your head, and if you can’t, don’t do what they tell you to. Also, try to wear a condom when having sex - don’t want a repeat of last time.

Leo: July 23 - August 23 – This month you are quite susceptible to swine flu. Try not to sleep with many pigs.

Virgo: August 24 - September 23 – This month you may find yourself writing silly satirical articles about magic animal stars, when you should be working towards something important.

Libra: September 24 - October 23 –This is a good month to try and sta-OH SHIT IT’S BACK! QUICK, BARRACADE THE DOOR. OHGODOHGODOHGODOHGOD…

Scorpio: October 24 - November 22 – This is a good month for those who have all your limbs. There is a high chance you will keep them.

Sagittarius: November 23 - December 21 – Rumours will be spread about you. Despite your successful career as an actor, men and women alike will debate over your penis size (NOTE: MAY NOT APPLY TO EVERYONE).

Capricorn: December 22 - January 19 – Lose some weight, fatty.

Aquarius: January 20 - February 18 – You may have lots of fish and water inside you. Because you’re an Aquarius! Geddit?! Oh fuck off then.

Pisces: February 19 - March 19 – Kill yourself.