BYE!: Amanda Holden Has Gone Mad!

Famous actress and BGT judge Amanda 'the slag' Holden has isolated herself from the rest of the world, and what she thinks is reality.

Reasons for this are known - after taking an IQ test and scoring 3, an extrememly shocked Amanda was convinced her genius-like intelligence had

left her. In an attempt to maintain the status quo, she has not changed out of her white tracksuit, instead choosing to become a recluse and block all contact.

Reasons why Amanda believed she was a genius are unknown. Psychologists hypothesise that the main reason for this would be her appearance. They believe her forehead led Amanda to assume that she had a large head, and in turn large brain (and high IQ).

It has now been five days, and Amanda has shown no signs of change. A witness described the state of her and her house:

"...She had not quite finished dressing, for she had but one shoe on — the other was on the table near her hand — her botox was half arranged, her watch and chain were not put on, and some lace for her bosom lay with those trinkets and with her handkerchief, and gloves, and some flowers, and a child's "How to read" book, all confusedly heaped about the looking-glass..."

Simon Cowell, whose identity we promised to keep secret, went on to say:

"...It was not in the first moments that I saw all these things, though I saw more of them in the first moments than might be supposed. But, I saw that everything within my view which ought to be white, had been white long ago, and had lost its luster, and was faded and yellow. I saw that the slag within the tracksuit had withered like the clothes she was wearing, and like the flowers, and had no brightness left but the brightness of her sunken eyes. I saw that the tracksuit had been put upon the rounded figure of a young woman, and that the figure upon which it now hung loose, had shrunk to skin and bone. I could only assume she was not wearing make-up. Once, I had been taken to see some ghastly wax-work at the Fair, representing I know not what impossible personage lying in state. Once, I had been taken to one of our old marsh churches to see a skeleton in the ashes of a rich dress, that had been dug out of a vault under the church pavement. Now wax-work and skeleton seemed to have dark eyes that moved and looked at me. I should have cried out, if I could..."

Amanda's spokesperson recently announced that Holden hates "everyone cleverer than her". Scientists predict she will not leave her house until the complete devolution of society.

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