Beaullox horoscopes - April

Ah, welcome children, my name is Madame Beaullox. I have had many years of experience as a psychic and astrologer. I have been asked to write a monthly horoscope, exclusively for BYE!. So, come and read what the future holds for you, as told by some SANE woman, reading what will happen soon, based on some unproven ancient religion, which uses the power of some stars in the (extremely) vague shape of some big sky animals.



Aries – This month is very good! You will meet a good friend. You may also find a £5 note on the floor. If you don’t, your parents were lying about your birthday. You’re probably a bastard, and your mother’s a slut.

Taurus – you should catch one, you can find them in the safari zone; they’re quite rare though.

Gemini – this month you will find the love of your life. Things are looking up for you, lucky twat. Stay away from cheese graters though; they may hurt if used incorrectly.

Cancer – You’re screwed; even your star sign is named after something shit.

Leo – This month is a bad month for Leos, mainly if you have a nut allergy. If you are a Leo, I would advise staying away from any nuts, or nut based products – you may regret it.

Virgo – The spirits tell Madame Beaullox that being this star sign, you have a hugely high prospect of being amazingly sexy. This is what the spirits told me, they never lie. Apart from that time with the chicken and the thong, but they were a bit high then.

Libra – STAY IN DOORS. DO NOT LEAVE THE HOUSE. BARRACADE YOUR DOORS, DO NOT LET ANYONE IN. OH JESUS CHRIST, IT’S COMING, QUICK, RUN - AND DON’T LOOK BACK! GO, QUICK! Also, try to be more confident in your love life.

Scorpio – This month is a good month for celery. Go down to your local supermarket and buy one. Go out, get to know one another, and generally be good friends. Don’t let it go any further, however – celery are renowned for being terrible in bed. Do not let that huge penis convince you otherwise.

Sagittarius – This month is not looking good for you. On the other hand, it may be fine, or you won’t notice any difference. Act more confident… or don’t. Bend in the wind, but stay upright. Get support and be more independent.

Capricorn – This month is good for donating money to Madame Beaullox – if you do donate money, good things will definitely happen. The more you donate, the more sex, money and IQ you will have. On the other hand, if you decide not to give any money, you can just go fuck yourself.

Aquarius – It’s the dawning of a new age for you.

Pisces – Kill yourself.