Beaullox Horoscopes - July

Ah, welcome children, my name is Madame Beaullox. I have had many years of experience as a psychic and astrologer. I have been asked to write a monthly horoscope, exclusively for BYE!. So, come and read what the future holds for you, also would you like to buy some leprechaun smegma?



Aries: March 20 - April 20 – oh my. What a month! World domination is a good direction for you to take, I recommend you start your guinea pig army project.

Taurus: April 21 - May 21 - This month is good for fertility. So get lots of sex! Be a rabbit! Metaphorically I mean, not like some sort of fetish. Egg hunt, perhaps? Put your 'duracell' in her 'bunny'. Unless you have a normal battery, but duracells last much longer than those.

(I have a duracell)

Gemini: May 22 - June 21 - this month you will decide to send the link of a certain dying satirical gossip blog to all your friends, to save it, because you're awesome!

Cancer: June 22 - July 22 – Do NOT fight midgets. They will bite your testicles.

Leo: July 23 - August 23 – this month, you will meet true love. And possibly die.

Virgo: August 24 - September 23 – This is an awesome month for an awesome person! You will get plenty of sex and also you will win the nobel prize for finding the cure for Dane Cook.

Libra: September 24 - October 23 – this month some person will stalk you all day claiming to be your true love. I recommend you kill them.

Scorpio: October 24 - November 22 – this sign is bad for serial killers - if you do see a serial killer and are a Scorpio, you two are not compatible. Stay away. Although your stubbornness may blind you (aka. natural selection).

Sagittarius: November 23 - December 21 – this month, if you point out the fact that this horoscope article was late, you will die of bum AIDS.

Capricorn: December 22 - January 19 – This month you will get a great job! Prostitution. Not only do you get to work enjoying yourself, the customers are always friendly and you can work both outdoors and indoors. That's what you get for NOT listening to the people who say "never work with children or animals".

Aquarius: January 20 - February 18 – You can lick your elbow this month! Try it, go on.

Pisces: February 19 - March 19 – Yill kourself.