Beaullox Horoscopes - August

Ah, welcome children, my name is Madame Beaullox. I have had many years of experience as a psychic and astrologer. I have been asked to write a monthly horoscope, exclusively for BYE!. So, come and read what the future holds for you, also fancy a visit behind the bike shed?

Aries: March 20 - April 20 – If you've been hesitant about making that big purchase, hold off for another couple of days. Remember your moon is in Sagittarius not the time for reckless spending

Taurus: April 21 - May 21 - if you're a Taurus, see a florist

Gemini: May 22 - June 21 - If you're a Gemini like me, you can expect the unexpected

Cancer: June 22 - July 22 – There's not much hope for you this month, your parents will probably divorce and your life partner will announce a change in sexuality.

Leo: July 23 - August 23 – Now's a good time to pull the plug on that life support machine that's been keeping your daughter alive for the past six months

Virgo: August 24 - September 23 – You can expect an untimely death or a tragic dismemberment for someone very close to you.

Libra: September 24 - October 23 – Everyone at work will look at you funny, don't worry it has nothing to do with that sex tape that your ex girlfriend leaked all over the internet.

Scorpio: October 24 - November 22 – As the days grow shorter and the nights longer I recommend you hang around dark alley ways, you never know you might meet someone nice.

Sagittarius: November 23 - December 21 – Remember that picture you found in your dads wardrobe of him naked? Now's the time to blackmail him to buy you that pony you've always wanted. But beware, he may blackmail you about that time he caught you masturbating.

Capricorn: December 22 - January 19 – This month you can expect a fantastic job promotion from tea boy to mail boy. If you ask your boss nicely they may sleep with you, it won't guarantee you a promotion but at least you can lose your virginity at last.

Aquarius: January 20 - February 18 – You can epexct to drown in a freak fishing accident, don't say I didn't warn you.

Pisces: February 19 - March 19 – Kill yourself.