BYE! Economy (New Feature)

As we all know, the economy has hit the pan and no one is helping it get better.
In fact the economy is so ill, it has been suspected that it may have Swine Flu.

This new feature (which will be monthly) will focus on the economy and it's slow slow slow recovery back to good health, after it's had some soup and a lie down.

(This is what the economy may look like)

At this present moment in time we know that the Dollar is weak against the Pound so the Pound is taking advantage of this situation and is beating it up (coward).
The Euro € has been hiding behind a cupboard somewhere and refuses to come out until it is offered some milk and cookies, however if it keeps being naughty it will go to bed early with no supper!

Gerald Greene head investment specialist for a major bank had this to say: "To be fair, two of the banks are fucked let's be honest. If people think we're going to be okay, they're mad really mad. They're as mad as the wankers running the country."

But is it all doom and gloom? Yes, yes it is unless you're Barclays or HSBC. Two of the only banks not to have been caught stealing money from some old blind pensioner.

Leading Economist Susan Mckain (yes she's a woman) gave us this: "I'm optimistic, optimistic like a baby who has lost it's favourite toy. If I can't find it Mummy will buy me a new one, this annalogy can be used to describe the economy. Basically if we lose it, someone's Mummy will replace it with a new one."

The Footsie 100 closed 25% down from the same time 2 hours ago closing at 6666 points, coincidence or just a random number?

Since the economy collapsed under it's own big fat swine flu obese self, quite a few people have lost their jobs and the UK is starting to suffer.

"If the economy does in fact have swine flu, what's to stop it spreading to the stock exchanges? You could see a mass epidemic of Stock exchanges going off sick from work for a maximum of 7 days. I'm not sure that we can cope that long" explained Dr. Timothy Neil head flu expert at some hospital somewhere.

People claiming benefits has risen since the start of the year and that is expected to rise thanks to employers spending their money on strippers and helicopters instead of investing it.

What is the next big step for the economy? More lending, more investing or even printing more money? No, it's a strict diet and weekly sessions at the gym once it has gotten over Swine flu but for now it will have a nice warm blanket and some chicken soup to keep it's strength up.

Chadwell Tightbottom had the pleasure of interviewing the economy's father; Alister Darling and he wanted to know a few things.

Chadwell Tightbottom: Has the economy got Swine Flu?
Alister Darling: It has, it's very tragic.

CT: Will it pull through okay?
AD: I do hope so

CT: What are you doing to make sure it is going to live?
AD: "Warm blanket, hot soup you know the usual"

CT:: Alister tell us, are you a really a badger?
AD: No comment

CT: You ever touch Gordon?
AD: Only in my head.

CT: Alister what are you doing to keep the country stable until the economy recovers?
AD: Well Chadwell I'm going to ensure that everyone does their part and that everyone prays we pull through this.

CT: Thank you Mr. Darling you've been a erm, you've been great.
AD: Thanks, pleasure to be here. Where's the exit again?

More on the economy and it's ill health next month.